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| The Ups and Downs of Marriage | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 1 2015, 03:40 AM (686 Views) | |
| EMIYA | Oct 1 2015, 03:40 AM Post #1 |
"I am the bone of my sword."
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This may not count as a "Deep Discussion" topic but I think its worth talking about. In the united states, the current divorce rate is around a whopping 40-50% meaning that nearly half of all marriages will end in a divorce and data shows that this percent increases in terms of remarriage. This is something that isn't merely an issue for the United States but for other countries as well, some of which have divorce rates in the 60% or even 70%. Why is it that people are unable to stick together with a single partner for a long period of time or remain faithful enough? My entire college career basically went about in learning more about relationships and how they function and I had one very simple theory. Humans aren't meant to stick with a single person for their entire life romantically. Humans are social creatures who need to get out and see other people. By forcing people to stick with a singular partner, not only does this cause strain on a social standard but biologically it greatly limits the passing of genes. Simply stated, it's far easier to have sex with five people and pass on your genes to several generations than to have sex with one person and call it a day. While you may question the morality of such a thing, life in the end couldn't give less of a crap of what people think is right and wrong. Another social issue that comes now is that, marriage and family doesn't have the same benefits and desires as it did before. Marriage was as many know not about a romantic endeavor but a social, sometimes even political practice to gain something important. Even the birth of children was a necessary step in keeping the family moving while today, data shows that children actually causes strain on the relationship of a marriage. In other words, people got married because it was necessary, sometimes economical, sometimes social, sometimes political and etc. This of course did not mean that these marriages were happy. Despite the lower levels of divorce in the 1950s (USA at least) indication shows that marriages may not often have been that happy to begin with. I have come to the thought that the institution of marriage and relationship needs to change. I come under the impression that there needs to be a specific difference between the relationship of romance and the relationship of everything else. Does this mean that polygamy is the way to go? I believe that at the very least, a necessary step both biologically and socially is needed to expand human experience beyond a single fresh hold of possibility. If nearly half of marriages across the world cannot even be held together, does that not speak of the rather huge negativity of marriages? We have hit a point in society where we now understand the desire for legitimate romance and love to happen in a relationship, something which was not expected in the past. While this is not a bad thing to treat relationships under a more emotional setting, I again infer that it is not human nature to seek only a singular partner. What do you think? How do you think marriage and relationships will change over time and in the future? I myself had always thought of the idea of an almost two aspect relationship, One part of the relationship relied on the economical and social structure that didn't necessary need to be changed as long as it remained good. This for lack of better words could be your Economic Partner who helps and you help through your lives. The other side is the romantic and emotional impact which I argue needs to remain, in an almost hedonistic but ethical standpoint in which humans are not forced into singular relationships but allowed to venture forth into new territories. People I think often don't realize that line of "til death do us part" and you quickly realize just how long that is. One may even argue that this is true not only for marriages but for any human interaction. You often interact with multiple members of the family. You interact with multiple students and friends at your school. You interact with multiple customers or employees. You may go through multiple jobs and more so, how many of you have gone through multiple dates and partners? In the end, I feel forcing people into a singular state of relationship may be more harmful than good. |
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| + QueenTD | Oct 1 2015, 04:33 AM Post #2 |
My Dear Melancholy,
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Well the amount of divorces is actually decreasing in USA with its peak being the 80's or 90's. I know a couple who are swingers and it works for them. I know lots of couples that are strictly for each other and it works. Marriage these days are more of an event rather the a love fest. It's just a piece of paper that gives you a huge ceremony. There's also people who marry young or marry just to get a diamond ring. Me personally I can only have sex with someone I love and trust. I plan to marry at a older age. About mid 40's maybe 50. By that point I'm settled hopefully and know what I want. You're not forced to be with one person at all. If you're single then sleep with anyone. Doesn't matter. If you're in a relationship then you know what you're getting into. I still consider Husband and Wife as Bf-GF as a piece of paper means nothing to me. You're never forced as you the one who made the decision. You the one who made the rules of relationship. If you want an open relationship or swing then talk to your partner. Simple as that. My overall views on marriage that it's a bit out dated but is still a fantastic event that once you're ready for real then out of convenience do it. But don't do it because you want a ring, cake, and presents. I really don't care for the biological reasons as I don't give a rats @@@ about it. Marriage can either be really stupid or really beautiful. It's just like a couple can be stupid or a happy couple. Depends how you make the situation. If you truly love the person then you wouldn't hurt them and you'll try to work out problems. If you just wanted a ring to brag then your marriage won't last. Fun fact: the better the ring. The shorter the marriage. It's perfectly OK in most areas (USA) to have committed relationships, open , swinging, and even a purely lust relationship. What works best for you. Forget about biology. Just do you. The pros and con's of marriage is the same as every relationship. As it's just a piece of paper that cost money to invalid. Idc if "life" doesn't care for your opinions. I care for my opinions. That's all that matter. IDC if Jesus Christ himself said go have sex with 500 men despite loving your man. I still wouldn't do it. I know what my relationship is about. So I'm not gonna to do something intentionally to mess it up. IMO nothing beats a loyal committed relationship with love. But others may say something else. Relationships will stay the same. Amount of casual sex will increase but relationships will be the same. Edited by QueenTD, Oct 1 2015, 04:38 AM.
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| SpeedoTrunks | Oct 1 2015, 07:19 AM Post #3 |
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To me, it all depends on your view on relationships and marriage. As you say above "Humans aren't meant to stick with a single person for their entire life romantically.",I must say I disagree . Just because you're with one person doesn't mean you can't be 'social', it just means you only see that one individual. To me personally, if you find that one person that you really resonate with, then you should stick with them. Sure, I see other women on tv/around town/etc who catch my eye, but knowing I have a beautiful women by my side, and that she truly cares for me, is all I need in my life. In regards to marriage itself, again it depends on your views. Yes, statistics show nearly half of all marriages break down, and I know this first hand with my parents breaking up when I was younger. Some may suggest that I would have a certain view on that scenario, but the truth is I understand what marriage means (Or at least what it should mean) and that if I wanted to be married to somebody else, I would have to put in the time to make it work and not let it break down like my parents did. Marriage is not something that you do because you've been together X amount of time, like a lot of people tend to do nowadays. "oh its been 5 years, lets get married", no thats now how it should be. Its a celebration of the love you both share, which should only be done when you're both ready, no matter what the time scale, which is then held in public to show your commitment to each other. The rings are a symbol of that promise, and its one I intend to keep for the rest of my life. (Now being married myself for 2 years, and both together for 9 years with my partner). Yes, some people use it as an excuse to have a crazy party, but its 'horses for courses' on that part as its become the norm. We had a very small wedding, which did have the family together for a small shindig in the evening, but I would have been more than happy to head down out local town office and just do it there. Another example is the rings, some people go over board, but ours were very cheap because its what it means that is important, IE my wedding ring cost £15 and is made of Titanium, and its all I can ask for. Its a ring to show I'm married, but also to symbolize the commitment I've made, why would have a £5K ring make that any different? By all means, my parents have shown that it can break down, and that sometimes its just doesn't work out, but that doesn't mean I won't try to make it work. Maybe I'm an old fashioned kind of person, but that's what it all means to me at least. |
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| Rockman | Oct 1 2015, 09:29 AM Post #4 |
hoighty-toighty
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On the flip side of all of that, not being able to keep a steady single relationship is known to cause emotional and psychological stress on people. For some like myself, happiness is met when i'm able to call my partner a best friend and a lover. Because we are both Atheist, there is no burden of marriage for us. The only reason we ever talk about marriage is for the idea of tax return and the social s*** it entails. We started the relationship without a care of the end game known as marriage. If people did the same, divorce rates would probably be much lower. Also people should live together before they get married. The number one and two killer of most marriages is, how a person lives, and how they spend their money. Trust is a very big factor in all of it. You can't trust the people you meet every day but you have a tendency to trust the person you choose to be with. Monkeys and Gorillas, our most closely related genetic relatives, tend to stay in packs or herds through the span of their lives. They have clusters where their pack is closely related with another pack that is a short distance from them. Typically the Alpha Males will bounce over to the second cluster and either Ninja mate with them or kill them. For the most part, if they aren't an Alpha, they tend to stay in their pack and not wander to another cluster. They also don't do a lot of inter-family sexual activity and for the most part, passing of new genetics comes when the Alphas mate with the other clusters. Sometimes those offspring form their own clusters. It's very complicated and a part of nature for sure, but the general idea is that we do form relationships, trust, and families even if we were animals. |
 JAke is a copyright of Spazo and Pickle Flavored Fudge Pops inc. | |
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| Zoom | Oct 1 2015, 09:51 AM Post #5 |
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Can someone explain this to me, if two people love each unconditional, how can they fight over money? |
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| SpeedoTrunks | Oct 1 2015, 10:19 AM Post #6 |
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You can love somebody until the end of the earth, but they can have 0 concept of money at all, thus ruining your collective finances and making your life a bit rubbish in the process You can give people chances to sort this sort of thing out, but if they continue to be utter berks with money, you kinda of have no choice but to leave eventually or else you'll be living in poverty. I had this issue very recently, with my now wife just not understanding that sometimes you can just...not buy something, and indeed save some money. This was years ago now, but it came to a head when I'd have enough of basically being poor, and told her about my issues. She realised was a big issue for me, and sorted it out, and now we're doign very well. Love is awesome, and you can go very far on it, but its not everything in a relationship, especially when you're living together. Money/time spent together/managing each others annoying habits all become of an equal playing field. |
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| EMIYA | Oct 1 2015, 03:22 PM Post #7 |
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"I am the bone of my sword."
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Should marriages be about sticking with just a single person though for your entire life? A relationship at its prime is one when all three aspects of the Triangular Theory of Love come together. Intimacy, Passion and Commitment. Many relationships don't contain all three aspects of this, sometimes only two or even one. Another issue is marriage satiation which basically is when the relationship essentially dies out and for lack of better terms, gets boring. Not only is trust an absolutely important aspect of relationships but perhaps even more so, keeping the relationship interesting and one may even say changing is a sure deal way to keep it up. This is often the key reason surprisingly that people actually cheat. Their current relationship is boring. While there are certainly some jerks in the world, many people cheat because they end up being bored and uninterested with their current relationship and want something different. If you can't change up and/or adapt your relationship to keep it interesting, why would anyone want to stay in a repetitive and boring structure? |
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| + Steve | Oct 1 2015, 04:39 PM Post #8 |
Greetings. I will be your waifu this season.
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Think it depends on the person really. I can't honestly say that I know I'm in love my girlfriend as my feelings are a bit broken but the routine of our relationship certainly suits me and I have no idea how I would function without it. So far as I can tell a huge problem is that people glorify marriage too much without focusing on finding the right person/actually being in love with someone. It's just like marriage is this ultimate goal in life, if you're not working towards it you're doing it wrong. Shouldn't feel like you need to marry someone just to progress in a relationship or in social status. Just seems like something people think of as glamorous and wonderful without putting any thought in to...do you actually need to be married? I mean if you look at people talking of their relationship "We've been together 24 years" Pretty much the first question there would be "And you're not married yet!?" or "When did you get married?" Like it's some requirement to have a happy and healthy relationship. So basically it's like people focus too much on the success of being married without thinking enough about the actual relationship. Marriage is just a bit of paper if you don't work as a couple it won't fix anything. All these celebrities that get married and get divorced within 72 days probably make it seem like marriage is just something sort of casual as well, it's just a step up the relationship ladder not a big deal. People care more about being married as much as possible than they do being with a single person for the rest of their lives out of love. Kind of defeats the point. |
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| + Pelador | Oct 1 2015, 04:43 PM Post #9 |
Crazy Awesome Legend
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I think that boredom is one of the biggest issues from what I can tell. I believe this comes from people getting their initial emotions wrong. You can't be in love with someone if you've only known them for a short while. Instead what you might be feeling is infatuation. A much more primitive and basic desire than love, primarily sexual in it's purpose. What I am trying to argue here is that people confuse this for love, get married and then are surprised when the magic is lost. Instead one key to a successful marriage is being good friends first. Yes you still get that infatuation but on top of that you also have a solid friendship base. Something I would assume is missing from many relationships that don't work due to boredom. |
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| lazerbem | Oct 1 2015, 07:13 PM Post #10 |
 
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I would like to note that even today, marriage does have benefits for the couple and their family. I believe there was a case with a gay couple where one of them died and the adopted kid was sent off to a foster home due to the surviving parent not officially being married. |
 Crazy cat cults in the woods | |
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| Zoom | Oct 2 2015, 02:41 AM Post #11 |
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If you love your man, why demean him if he makes far less money than you? |
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| SpeedoTrunks | Oct 2 2015, 07:22 AM Post #12 |
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I think its just down to the people themselves. many get into relationships/get married etc, because everybody else around are doing the same. They may not even like the person they are with that much, but feel the need to "grow up" or whatever. If you go into a relationship wanting to do it, and wanting another person in your life, and as long as they want the same thing, there's no end to the possibilities. Yeah, some people just don't gel and it'll eventually break up, but that's the way it works out sometimes. Everybody has rough patches or things will get a bit stale, but its down to you to keep it going. As mentioned above, i've been married 2 years and with my partner 9 years in total, and yeah we've had times when stuff looks a bit pants, but its because we'd let other stuff get in the way (money/kids/life generally) so we just need to sort ourselves out. After 9 years I can safely say I love my wife wholeheartedly , as much if not more than when we first became a couple many years ago. marriage was just the icing on the cake for me, as I wasn't going anywhere anyway, so why not make it official? In these 9 years, I have NEVER looked at another women, in terms of thinking about sleeping with her or anything like that. I can still say women are attractive, but its in the same way I might say a man is a handsome chap or something, just a recognition of their looks. Again we've had our up's and downs, but thats where the effort comes into it. If we all just said "thats enough" after every fight, then nobody would be with anybody. |
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| Billa | Oct 2 2015, 12:23 PM Post #13 |
Thala na Gethu!
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Europe countries aside, divorce cases in Asean countries are very seldom & even if they do, it comes as a result of extreme level of emotional & physical burden Maybe its got to do with the Asean culture. Or perhaps just cuz people are soo much tangled with physical pleasure that they forget the very essence & principal of life: self-respect I personally find it ridiculous to follow the pattern as Flirt~date~love~marriage~childrens~divorce~Repeat Step 1 How can you settle-down & look the same face for years?! Its even worse if its love-marriage I think there are NO ups in marriage. Only unnecessary commitments |
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| Buuberries | Oct 3 2015, 09:33 AM Post #14 |
No
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I think maybe we should look at the reasons for divorce rates rather than the divorce rates themselves. There isn't anything conclusive on whether humans are meant to be monogamous or not. As far as I know, we're socially monogamous -- i.e., we're capable of being with one partner, but also stray for whatever reason. That's different to polygamy or w/e. Further, just because something is natural doesn't mean it's right or wrong or is something that we ought to do. Yes, it may limit the passing of genes. I also don't fully trust that specific evolutionary reason of "wanting to pass genes". It's more than just reproduction; it's also about providing for and raising the offspring so that they can eventually knock-up someone or get knocked-up themselves so the cycle continues. Like I said before, I think the main thing to look at is the reason for marriages failing, and not divorce rates themselves. Just because divorce rates are high doesn't necessarily mean the institution is failing or whatever -- I mean if you look at statistics, the high divorce rate is a recent occurence, so obviously the problem with marriages lies in how society's changed over the recent decades and how those changes have affected the individual. Not only that, but what about the other 50% whose marriages haven't failed? What have they done to make theirs successful (so far)? And so on. The problem I have with Sternberg's theory is that it implies that consummate love is complete love. I've met couples and people whose partnerships don't revolve around sex or don't even have sex and according to them due to each other's loyalty and intimacy for each other, it's even made their relationship a lot stronger. And what about asexuals and aromantics who are in relationships? There isn't even a complete definition of love in the academic world, yet the theory posits that these people are incapable of fully loving their partners. Maybe I'm idealistic but my opinion on this is if someone went through the time and effort of courting someone and then getting married and all that hubbub, then if they genuinely love the person they should work through it if they're bored etc instead of straying to look for something different. The problem is, and this is just from my observation, some people in general are absolutely bollocks at talking through their issues. Discussions turn into arguments become a battleground to antagonise each other rather than as a way to find common grounds and using that to resolve the issue. |
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