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| Too dependent on my Family/Directionless | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 24 2015, 02:08 AM (644 Views) | |
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Apr 24 2015, 02:08 AM Post #1 |
 
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I have a problem that kind of got even bigger yesterday. In my brain. I was watching some YouTube videos of the people I watch when I go on YouTube. They aren't that much older than me, maybe 2 years at most (obviously I'm playing I know exactly how much older they are, they said that themselves). I just saw how their lives were compared to mine. And it was a huge difference. They seemed to have everything: they seemed to enjoy life, they have a job, studying something they like, going out with friends, enjoying their free-time, and life just looked so perfect for them. It showed in their videos, too. I am the complete opposite. I can't stand myself and I feel like I don't have any aspirations. I don't go out a lot unless my family really does pest me too. I normally go to bed really late and wake up really late (like go to bed at 03:00 a.m and wake up at sometimes even 05:00 p.m or later). That happened some years ago where my sleeping habit has really gone to s***. I wasn't always like that. I only study my course because my parents wanted me to do it in university. And guess what, I missed like 5 assignment deadlines already. I know I can do a re-take for three of them but the others I'm not sure. They might actually throw me out of University. I really want to try, but I just can't get myself motivated to do it. Sometimes I procrastinate thinking I'll do it later and keep pushing it off. I don't have any friends around my area. The friends that I do/did have, live too far away or I lost contact to them because they go to different universities. So I don't go out a lot either, even though sometimes I wish I could but to be honest there are not many places to go to around, where I live so there's that. When my sisters do manage to take me out to go shopping, they are the ones that choose all the clothes for me. And what I should wear. I just don't have any interest in clothing, like other people my age seem to have or at-least they go out on their own and buy what they like as far as clothing goes. I don't have any kind of thoughts like that. I don't have work, because I can't again motivate myself to actually go to any. The ones in work experience, I did try in school were some bad experiences that I'd rather forget about. Maybe that's part of me not wanting to go to a normal job. And maybe the biggest (and maybe all encompassing) problem of it all is that I feel to dependent on my family. I mean, I'm 20 and really do want to move soon out of my parents' house. And then eventually go back to Germany but the way it's going now I feel like I'll probably live with my parents forever. My parents are basically doing everything for me. I depend on them financially. They make food for me. Basically just about everything. Even phone-calls when I have to talk to people, like for university issues. My parents get my sisters to do it for me, because I just can't talk to strangers especially not on a phone. I can't hear them a lot of times and then it gets annoying for them and I feel like an idiot asking "excuse me" everytime I can't understand anything. So my sisters basically help me out there and I'm 20. I am not that confident around people I don't know, a lot of times. It kind of can be embarrassing. When I mess up or do something wrong like getting thrown out of University, they help me and basically solve it for me. When I have to make a decision they make the decision for me. Everything. I am entirely dependent on them. If I were thrown out of the house (which they wouldn't) tomorrow I don't know what I would do. But maybe that's what they should do so that I can see what I can do on my own. Sometimes I feel like, unlike other people, I stopped growing mentally at the age of 10 or somewhere. I still am immature and I don't think I can deal with the real world, whereas they've grown up and are having a happy and good life. I still depend on my parents financially, living in their house, eating their food. I just waste my days in-front of the IPad serving the internet and sometimes looking up things like this. Doing nothing. There's no direction. There's no goals or aspirations and I know I'm a loser. I wish I could enjoy life like some people do but I just can't knowing how dependent and directionless I'm in life. It feels depressing sometimes. I don't want a routine boring life either. That just starts with me waking up, the average "9-to-5" job and then going to sleep, waiting to go to work again the next morning. That just wouldn't be me, I think. My socialising problems with people I don't know, basically strangers, don't help either. When I compare myself to who I mentioned before, at the beginning, I feel like a complete failure. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Which I think I know won't. I'm not doing anything that anyone successful my age-group'd be doing (like going out having fun or having a job or studying something you like, studying hard for that matter. Nothing). I know I am wasting my days away. I think I'm screwed once I, if I ever do live on my own and can only depend on myself. Edited by StrawHatCrew, Apr 24 2015, 02:45 AM.
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| * Mitas | Apr 24 2015, 11:40 AM Post #2 |
It truly was a Shawshank redemption
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I'll start by saying that I relate heavily to so much of what you just wrote, so know that you are not alone in feeling like this. I know from experience that when you feel so low, so demoralised/lost/empty, that you look at everybody else in the world and think to yourself that they are so much happier, so much better than you. Just know that you are not alone in feeling like this. Even people with lives that look great on the outside can suffer on the inside and I'll bet that at least one of the people you've compared your life with is not as happy as you imagine they are. Second important point (and trust me, I know it's easier said than done): focus on your own life. Don't compare yourself to others. Whether they are happier, or worse off, it doesn't have any effect on your life or who you are. Everybody is different. Everyone has their own unique situation. Figuring out who you are, where you want to go, who you want to be: that s***'s hard enough on it's own, without bringing in the non-existent pressures of "I need to be more like this person" or "why is this person happier than me?" I say non-existent because they are thoughts, not facts. You don't know that those people are as happy as they seem, or whether they like who they are, or that they think their lives are perfect, because you can't look inside their heads. These are just assumptions, and assumptions that are influenced by how negatively you're feeling. What you do know is that you are not happy, so you need to make moves to change that (which is a monumental task, but the fact that you are aware that you're struggling means that you want things to change, which is a big step). Growing up, we're put under so much pressure to decide what we want to do with our lives. We're made to feel like if you don't know what you want to do in your teens, then you're a failure. That's not reality. Do you know how many people go to university to study a course in one subject, only to change after their first year? Or go into a completely separate career than the degree they studied for? At 20, I'll bet that there are more people that don't know what they want to do than there are who do. It may feel like you're a failure because you don't have that dream yet, that "I want to be this/do that", but you're not. I felt the exact same at 20 (and I still do on occasion at 24), but it's not as old as it seems. We may have to remind ourselves, but at 20 and 24 we have plenty of time to discover our passion (here's an article about people who started later in life: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/24/never-late-change-careers_n_3460618.html and you can find many more on google). Again, I can relate to the over-dependence aspect. When you live with a family who are willing to do so much for you, it can be very easy to let that happen. It's easier, it's more comfortable. I do it myself. I live at my Grandparents house and they cook 80-90% of my food, they do 90% of the food shopping, my nan does pretty much 100% of the housework. However, when I lived on my own a few years ago, I did it all, because I had to. I prepared all my meals, cleaned my house, washed my clothes, paid my bills, bought my food etc. There's a difference between not WANTING to do things for yourself, and not actually being able to do it. I think you'd be surprised what you'd be capable of doing if you actually had to do it yourself.
This is one area where you're fully correct. You can't wait for something to happen. All those people you look at who you think are successful and happy (regardless of whether that's true or not), worked for what they got. Athletes, musicians, writers, directors etc, we only see the finished product, we never see the behind-the-scenes work they put in to get where they are, and to maintain that spot once they get there. You're right: if you're waiting for something to happen, it probably won't. That doesn't mean that it can't happen though. It can. You just have to make it happen. Finding the motivation to do that can be hard (trust me, I know), but it's not impossible. If you try, you'll achieve. If you don't, you won't. Being directionless, not knowing what you want to do in life, that doesn't make you a loser,it doesn't make you a failure. It just means you don't know, and that's fine. It's ok to not know. Some people are in dead-end jobs and still don't know what they want to do. Some people are in jobs that other people would kill for, and even THEY don't know what they want to do. Many, many people don't know what they want to do. That doesn't make them losers, and it doesn't make you one. It can be a long road to discover what you want to do, but it doesn't start on it's own, you have to start it yourself. What are you interested in? What are your hobbies? What could you see yourself enjoying as a career? You mentioned not wanting a bog standard, 9-to-5 job that you don't enjoy. I feel you, I share the same fears. So don't settle for one. But the only way you can achieve that is by trying. It won't just come to you. I'll end this mish-mash of thoughts and advice (sorry if it seems a little all over the place :P) with what I feel is the most important thing you can take away from this (ignore everything I say if it doesn't connect with you, but please take this on board): don't keep it inside. You're already opening up about things, and that's an important step. There's a topic on this forum somewhere where I made similar points. That topic was an important part in me realising I wasn't happy, and although it took me a little longer to start to take action against that, that's the point in my life where I knew things weren't right and came out and said it. If you can, talk to your family. Let them know your worries about everything. They sound like they care a lot about you, so I'm sure they can help you out. It does sound to me like you are depressed, so I will also say that if it continues you need to talk to someone who is a professional, like your family GP/doctor. We don't really know each other too well, but like I said, I relate to so much of what you said, so this is a genuine offer to drop me a PM if you need to talk about s***, and I'll help as best I can. |
 "Then you've got the chance to do better next time." "Next time?" "Course. Doing better next time. That's what life is." | |
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Apr 24 2015, 11:54 AM Post #3 |
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Thank you a lot Mitas for the great advice and great post. It's good (or maybe not good considering what it is) to know that I'm not the only one who is kind of scared to go live in the "real world" once the time comes to do it. Everyone wants you to have done at-least a few jobs by the age of 20, but here I am at 20 years old and haven't done any. Society pressures you sometimes, it seems like if you don't you have a job by a certain age you are seen as a joke by everyone that's around you. Like I said I'd prefer to not have a routine boring job where the work will be my life, so I'm already kind of looking for something which I might be good at and pays well. I hope someday I can be completely independent on my own, unlike now where I am depending almost completely on my family. Like I said thank you for your advice, though. I really appreciate it. |
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| Buuberries | Apr 24 2015, 11:58 AM Post #4 |
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there's always a conflict like that, right? you want to improve your life and move out and get yourself sorted, and i guess you have the chance to do that here by being at university and expanding the opportunities you have access to, but for some reason you can't get yourself to do whatever the f*** you need to do. it's almost self-sabotaging. as a kid, my friends and i used see all these people in their 20s and think, "wow, look at that man/woman -- they have their life sorted out. I can't wait to be in my 20s and be like that." then you reach 20, 21, 22 and whilst you've got s*** going on -- a job, university, or whatever -- most people still have no f***ing clue about what they want to do. and honestly that's fine. i met people on some of the college courses i've enrolled on over the years and some were in their 30s and 40s looking for a change in career. just prepare yourself by having back-up plans, and for you right now is getting that business degree. if you don't want to get that business degree, then think of something else you might want to do, but regardless of what it is, it's going to require hardwork and dedication -- even if you hate the s*** out of it. to echo what mitas mentioned, you should try to stop comparing yourself to everyone else. it's easy to do in such an individualistic society, but you're better off forcing yourself to think things like, "she's done that so good for her, but i'm working on this now so it's only a matter of time before i get to where i need to be." o and here u go https://ed.stanford.edu/sites/default/files/annurev-psych-psychology_of_change_final_e2.pdf |
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Apr 24 2015, 12:11 PM Post #5 |
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One of the things that really make this hard, though. Especially with finding something I like, if I ever find something I like is that University isn't really for free. I know that's obvious but what am I going to do once I've used up all of my student loan? I'm not quite sure how this financial stuff all works (another thing where I'm more dependent). I don't know everything or at-least can't remember everything of what I have to apply for when I do live in my own like insurance. I always thought my parents would help me until I grew older and figured that at some point I'll have to be on my own. As for what I like to do, I'm not sure. There isn't around where I live a lot of places for activities anyways, so it's kind of hard to find anything that I might like. Around here I'm not in any kind of (friend) groups or groups (like social or community related groups) either. I could look at jobs through videos or read about them but that's nothing like going and doing it yourself. |
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| * Mitas | Apr 24 2015, 03:52 PM Post #6 |
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It truly was a Shawshank redemption
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The thing with not knowing about what things you have to sort out when you move out is that not many people do until they actually move out. When my friend moved into his place, he didn't realise you had to pay for water. He thought it was free (quite a few people do). When it comes time to do things on your own, never be afraid to ask how to do something. When I moved out initially, I was on the phone to my mum every other night asking how the oven works, how does the washing machine work etc, but after you do it a couple times, you get it down, and then you don't have to think about it, you just do it. It's all a learning curve, one that everyone has to undertake. University isn't the only option. There are college courses that are cheaper and more accessible, and then there are independent courses you can undertake. There are multiple options. Plus, just having a university degree will open up a lot of doors, regardless of whether the degree is in the field of work you want to do. The knowledge you'd get from that particular course would obviously help, but just having the degree shines you in a good light. Like I said, finding what you wanna do is a journey. It won't happen over night, but it's all about trying things. Read up on things, try out a particular course (sometimes they offer a taster session, if you like it great, if you don't, no harm done), talk things through with people who can suggest things you might like. It's just about being open and willing to give things a go, and it sounds like you're definitely willing, you just have a bit of self-doubt about whether you'll be able to do it. But if you want to do it, and you're willing to try and find something, you'll be able to do it. |
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"Then you've got the chance to do better next time." "Next time?" "Course. Doing better next time. That's what life is." | |
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Apr 24 2015, 05:44 PM Post #7 |
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Thank you to both you and Buuberries for your positive advice. I think, I feel better in knowing that I am not the only one like this and a lot of people actually are kind of scared about thinking about this. I try to keep your advices whenever I do think about this. It's just that I kind of become used to saying "in the future" when I was younger, that I kind of realised now it already is the future and it's starting to kind of become too much all at once, sometimes. It's not like I'm always depressed about this. I can still laugh out loud and be happy sometimes like when I read or see or listen to something really funny or good but then, sometimes things like this just come up when I think about life or see others my age and start to think like this and how I should be for my age. Thank you, though. 
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| Master Gohan | Apr 25 2015, 03:41 PM Post #8 |
 
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"When my sisters do manage to take me out to go shopping, they are the ones that choose all the clothes for me. And what I should wear. I just don't have any interest in clothing, like other people my age seem to have or at-least they go out on their own and buy what they like as far as clothing goes. I don't have any kind of thoughts like that." That's nothing. My older cousin shops with me and just chooses the clothing for me and she does the same for all her brothers too. It's better to get a girl's judgement on clothes anyway cause they actually know what they like a man to wear so you would look appealing. I don't see the big deal. But I do have an interest in clothing, but only in my favorite sports teams clothing. Otherwise don't care. |
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| Buuberries | Apr 25 2015, 03:59 PM Post #9 |
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No
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ya look appealing............ to your sister or older cousin, hah. incest - fun for the whole family. |
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| cone | Apr 26 2015, 04:59 AM Post #10 |
 
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heh i was in this boat a few years ago and it felt like alot longer, but in the past few eeks ive come to realise i kinda do have my act together. was going to college but couldnt get the classes for the major i was going for.... which realy didnt go anywhere obviously. lol. and didnt move out and didnt have a job. then got a job at medieval fair. and then after that one at video game store. then got my own car. left video game store for better job. then got injured, hand got broken in train door.. ouchies :(. but took time off to heal up and put my mind to getting a warehouse job and did. and during all of that i got to take over my families house since they moved out. and my pops still helps with the bills but i pay about 50% now that ive got a room mate and its starting to look pretty dang presentable. now im still at warehouse on nights but in better area thats easier. getting ready to start paying for 75% of the house and try to get mortgage in my name in the next year, and a new car or motorcycle. have a blue mohawk and work a side job and even have a hobby of video game console repairs to make extra money. i have a bunch of game consoles but they were all got after bills were paid. and actually getting ready to find the next job that might be the one i have for a good while and settle down and start having kids with. oddly the things that motivated me were hockey, and my best friends death. after he died i kinda shut own and just only was normal in the hockey rink. and just dove into that. which needed money to keep doing. and it helped me find more of who i am. which lead to a boost in confindance. and really just let me focus on myself. and its just been a big chain of work but for some reason living for the hockey and ignoring everything just gave me what i needed. i could be better off and have a day job where i dont really need to work so much, and can do normal things like see friends and family or buy things aside from walmart since its open all night :(... idk id say try to get something you really enjoy and just make that the focus of what your working for and dont worry about everybody else family included. everybody has to strike out on their own and its not really easy but, its worth it and it does change you for the better. |
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