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| The Vegito Chronicles | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 24 2014, 05:48 AM (2,227 Views) | |
| Prince Vegito | Mar 24 2014, 05:48 AM Post #1 |
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Super Saiyan God
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Chapter 1: Vegito's plan, majin buu's transformation! -Vegito: I got everyone out, now time to find a way out fast he's changing form and i can't afford to be digested by this disgusting goo. -Vegito: finally I'm out all that goo was making me sick, looks like majin buu has took on a different form but it seems like i can handle easy like before. Kid Buu: Ooh ahh!! -Vegito: It seems that your a lil bit stronger majin buu! but i don't want to fight you here, i can't put the earth in danger so if you want a real fight follow me to the supreme kai's world! Kid Buu: ooh? Vegito: old kai! i need you and dende to go to new namek and gather the dragons balls! I'll handle things here now go! Old Kai: go get'em vegito show him what the potara can really do! Kibito kai: he's here! let's go elder kai! -Kid Buu: ahh!! Vegito: so your finally here? let's settle this once and for all I vegito shall destroy you! Kid Buu: eyahh! Vegito and kid buu began fighting. at the get-go it seems like vegito stills holds the advantage over kid buu by toying with him just like he did with super buu by fighting him with just his two legs sending him flying with a fast kick. Vegito: Your fighting technique is more sloppy than before buu! c'mon i know you can do better than that! ( I'll toy around with him a little longer that will give me enough time to try out my new technique) Kid buu then lets out a huge cry launching a gigantic ball of energy vegito. Vegito: Trying this trick again eh? you must really think I'm a amateur, i wasn't born yesterday you know. Vegito then easily deflects the ball by launching a super kamehameha reflecting it right back at buu. Vegito: i had enough of this its time to finish this, you lived long enough! Little does vegito know buu planned that attack to powerup for a kamehameha, but it was no ordinary kamehameha this was kid buu's ultra kamehameha gathering mostlty all of his energy from his body. Vegito: i can't dodge that! that blast has enough power to destroy even me! i got to use it now it's now or never here goes! Seeing he has no chance to dodge, vegito began to charge energy placing his hands in the final flash position and then he puts his hands back to for a kamehameha. combining there both best techniques vegito launches his full powered blast. Vegito: this it buu! FINAL KAMEHAMEHA!! With the density of that blast it overtakes buu's blast completey destroy him leaving no piece of him behind. Vegito: phew that was close, i never thought i would get to use that technique now its time to contact the kai's and dende to grant the wishes. Vegito: hello dende can you hear me? Dende: yes i can! is it over? vegito: yes i defeated majin buu! Dende: that's great he was a monster!, by the way we gathered the dragons balls the elder already had them ready tell me what you need to wish for! vegito: great! for the first wish we want all the good people who were killed by majin buu to be wished back to life! Dende: (speaking in namekian) porunga: your wish has been granted tell me your second wish! Vegito: alright! as for our second wish, we wish to be split into two people again! Dende: (speaking in namekian) Porunga: I'm sorry i cannot grant you that wish, it is not in my power to separate two beings again. Dende & the kai's: what?! Vegito: i can't go back to our old selves again.. what can i do?.how am i suppose to explain this to everybody? I'm in a real nutshell now! Porunga:... do you have a second wish? Vegito: I'm stuck like this forever, i might as well have a normal life span so i can train this body.. for the second wish we wish to have the same conditions as our old bodies! dende: ( speaking in namekian) porunga: your wish has been granted, you now have the same body conditions as your old bodies. farewell! The dragons balls begin to scatter. Vegito: atleast i can power down now it will be easier to attain ssj3 in this body now, i can't hide like this forever i have to go explain this to the others. next chapter: victory for earth!, vegito's family crisis! Edited by Prince Vegito, Mar 27 2014, 06:04 AM.
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| + Pyrus | Mar 24 2014, 10:20 AM Post #2 |
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The effort is there, the concept is good, but the writing itself is messy. Which style are you going for? Script, such as it seems to be now, or 3rd person like most other stories in the section? Either way, it would help massively if you cleaned up the punctuation. Add the necessary commas, periods, exclamation marks, and quotation marks. It'd make the piece look much cleaner and easier on the eyes. The other issue would be the pacing. There doesn't seem to be any, or it's way, way too quick. Vegetto goes from slaying Boo, to summoning Porunga, to talking to everyone on the Lookout, and then it ends in the blink of an eye. There's no time to get invested in anything. The situation with Vegetto not being able to split back into Goku and Vegeta is dealt with in no time flat, and Bulma, despite losing her husband and Trunks losing his real father, gets over in seconds. Even the title of the chapter alludes to a serious crisis, but the situation starts and ends so quickly it doesn't seem bad at all. There's no time allotted for character development, which isn't a crucial aspect in the series, but it's helpful nonetheless and makes for a better story. Give your readers time to adjust and absorb a situation, instead of rushing from one instance to another without a transitional period. On that note, adding detail would be preferable. It'll help your readers get a picture of what's happening, instead of them just looking at dialogue the whole time. You can do a lot with the story, but it'd be much better if you fleshed it out a bit. Edited by Pyrus, Mar 24 2014, 10:21 AM.
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Spoiler: click to toggle
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| + Yusuke | Mar 25 2014, 05:02 AM Post #3 |
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Crap, sorry I procrastinated with reading your story lol. I kinda agree with KP here. It would seem that too many things are happening at once here and theres no time to take things in. Maybe you could have started off the first chapter with just Vegito fighting/killing Buu and have the next episode entirely focused on the lookout scene. And try to add more detail as it will give the reader a better image to visualize in their head. Lastly, try to make your chapters longer because it enhances the reading experience. It doesn't have to be too long (my story for an example is somewhat short yet long enough to be detailed and descriptive). But I must say, i'm loving the concept behind this story! I always wanted to see what would happen if Vegito lasted longer in the story and how he interacts with other characters. There's endless amount of possibilities for your story! There's lots of room for improvement for your story so just work on the length and the pacing of your story and everything will be great! Even I had a hard time getting the pacng right in my story but eventually it became second nature. Keep up the Good work Vegito! Your the man! |
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| Prince Vegito | Mar 29 2014, 06:56 PM Post #4 |
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Super Saiyan God
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re-done chapter 1. |
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| + Yusuke | Mar 29 2014, 07:02 PM Post #5 |
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Just read it over and the pacing is a lot better than before which is a big improvement! In your future episodes, just try to make the length a bit longer. Other than that, great job! Looking forward to seeing more of your story. |
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| Canis Latrans | Mar 29 2014, 07:08 PM Post #6 |
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Godly Power
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Hahha lol we are both using Vegito in our plot but in the exact opposite way |
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| + Solid Snake | Mar 29 2014, 07:13 PM Post #7 |
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滅Are you frightened?
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BIG improvement lol. But by condition, did you mean he won't be as powerful or that he just can change into Super Saiyan whenever? |
![]() Shinnozou tomete kureru! ~ Evil Ryu SSJG and SSJ4 Goku Sig Dragon Ball: Ultimate Road Story Naruto and Goku's Adventure Story
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| SSJSC | Mar 29 2014, 07:36 PM Post #8 |
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I disagree with Vegito acting helpless against Kid Buu in the later moment. Seriously, I don't like that idea.
Edited by SSJSC, Mar 29 2014, 07:39 PM.
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| Prince Vegito | Mar 29 2014, 08:15 PM Post #9 |
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Super Saiyan God
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Greatraditzman: yeah i like the plot of your evil vegito Gokudasavior: he still as powerful and transform whenever. Ssjsc: I'm sorry about that, i know vegito can destroy kid buu easily but i wanted to drag on the battle for a lil longer so i could display him using the final kamehameha technique. on the other hand here's the next chapter Chapter 2: Victory for Earth!, Vegito family crisis! Vegito: The time has come, i have to go to the lookout and tell everybody what happened. it's going to be hard to say but i have to tell them. Dende: Your going to the lookout vegito? I'll be there shortly, i want to spend some time with my fellow namekians before i leave. Vegito: got it! see you then. Vegito then uses instant transmission to teleport to the lookout so he can tell everybody what just happened. Vegito: hey guys! Chi chi: Goku!! Bulma: no that's my vegeta! Trunks&Goten Daddy? Gohan: he doesn't look like my dad who are you? Vegito: i have some bad new guys, I'm not goku then again I'm not vegeta my name is vegito goku and fused together with the potara earrings. unlike the kids fusion i have no time limit meaning that i can't separate back in two people again.. we summoned porunga to try to split us back into two people again but to no avail.. I'm really sorry guys atleast we defeated majin buu! Krillin: it's great that you guys defeated majin buu but since you are like that forever what will you do now? bulma: my vegeta... Chi chi: my goku.. Gohan: Dad... Goten&Trunks: does that mean we can't our dads anymore? (crying) Vegito: Please forgive me guys it was the only way we could defeat majin buu.. Master roshi: we can't stay in despair forever! atleast he still has the cheerful ness of goku! Krillin: your right master roshi. Vegito: come here goten and trunks.. i know it's sad not having the two of us again but i promise I'm still your father and we still can do the samethings we did before. Goten: Trunks that means your my brother! i have another big bro! Trunks: i guess your right goten! this doesn't make sad anymore, i have two brothers now! Bulma: I'm glad everything worked out but what about me and chi chi? you are our husband's you know. Chi chi: yes please tell us vegito! Vegito: this leads me to the hardest decision of my life, i gave this a lot of thought after my birth. it's really hard for me to say but I'm sorry bulma i want chi chi as my wife i just can't since my other thinks of you as a close friend. i promise you I'll still visit I'm really sorry. Chi chi: (walks over to bulma and hugs her) are you okay bulma? Bulma: i am saddened by this, i know my vegeta is still in there and it must had saddened him dearly by telling me this. it breaks my heart that they had to choose like this... promise me chi chi please take care of him for me, I'm really happy that he's still a father trunks and he promised to still visit i guess that doesn'tmake me sad anymore. chi chi: I'll do my best to take care of him thank you bulma. Vegito: I'm glad everythings back to normal say, everyone can we have a victory dinner for the defeat of majin buu? I'm really hungry. Chi chi: he still has that appetite of goku oh he never changes. Bulma: well that never gets old, we will prepare a feast at capsule corp i would like everyone to come! Vegito: alright! that's what I'm talking about! goten and trunks lets go to the park for awhile we'll meet you there guys! Goten& Trunks we'll race you.there dad! Fus Ion Ha! Vegito: oh no you don't! wohoo! Gohan: don't forget about me guys! Everyone: Hahahaha! |
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| + Solid Snake | Mar 30 2014, 12:15 AM Post #10 |
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滅Are you frightened?
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I liked this one but isn't Vegeta's persona suppose to be more dominate in the Potara version? So is this gonna tell the story of Vegito's life? |
![]() Shinnozou tomete kureru! ~ Evil Ryu SSJG and SSJ4 Goku Sig Dragon Ball: Ultimate Road Story Naruto and Goku's Adventure Story
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| Prince Vegito | Mar 30 2014, 12:25 AM Post #11 |
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Super Saiyan God
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it is but i wanted to separate this vegito from dbm's vegito and yeah this is gonna be a story about vegito's life maybe a new outfit for him too. |
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| Canis Latrans | Mar 30 2014, 10:48 PM Post #12 |
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Godly Power
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Will their be any fights |
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| Prince Vegito | Mar 30 2014, 11:21 PM Post #13 |
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Super Saiyan God
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there will be a fight in the next chapter, giving goten the spotlight |
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| Canis Latrans | Mar 30 2014, 11:55 PM Post #14 |
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Godly Power
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That's awesome! when will it be posted? |
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| Prince Vegito | Mar 31 2014, 01:41 PM Post #15 |
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Super Saiyan God
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Chapter 3 Spoiler: click to toggle
Edited by Prince Vegito, Mar 31 2014, 01:42 PM.
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