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Discipline that your parents dished out that you never agreed with
Topic Started: Oct 1 2013, 03:19 AM (1,884 Views)
Pookie
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Pookie Powa!

@Mitas-It's totally understandable. I felt the same way too. I even had a problem staying away from home for too long b/c I'd cry which made it impossible for me to go to preschool. I literally cried everyday when I went to preschool. Regardless, I think there is a certain age a child has to be before they can stay home alone. I know, at the time, it was 12 years old in NJ. I'm unsure about it now though.

@Rai- Your experience will make you stronger. I think in a sense it's good to have balance and a lot of us will probably end up being similar to our parents whether we made the conscious choice not to be.

My mom used to tell me that when she was younger her parents were extremely strict. She was one of six children. She loved her parents dearly, yet she didn't always agree with their methods of raising children. She promised herself that she would never hit my brother or myself, but eventually she did. My brother was already a hard one to deal with. She tried doing the timeouts, she tried putting him to his room, but it didn't seem to help because my brother was a stubborn kid.

The only method that worked for her was physical discipline. Of course, she felt bad about it, but she said she did it for our well being and she would apologize at the end.

At the time, I didn't like it, but I understand why she did it now. I respect and love her for it. My father never laid his hand on me, but he did with my brother. He wasn't very physical, however, he was extremely strict and authoritative. He is the traditional husband/father type and so in a sense it was his way or the highway. The negative effect it probably had on me was I developed a stubbornness and a very strong sense of pride.
Edited by Pookie, Oct 1 2013, 04:44 PM.
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Barbossa
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Hah, oh yeah, I got disciplined something fierce. Used to get thrown out the back (not literately, of course) for misbehaving and stuff but the one thing I hated was getting thumped. Repeatedly. By all manner of things, be it wooden spoons or a clip of the back-hand, I hated it so much. Hell I'm still getting clipped upside the head and I'm bloody 19 now! It's so utterly unfair. :(
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TrunksinSwimmingTrunks
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^That sucks. Not been hit in like a year personally. Basically all stopped once I was like 16 or so.

My mum and dad generally never went anywhere together so didn't have any issues like who to keep me with (think they went somewhere like once or twice)....guess there just wasn't anyone to keep me with in a way though anyway, except when I was 8 and it was just me, my dad and my uncle living together and we knew the neighbours very well. But I liked those neighbours anyway (mentioned them in the childhood memories topic) so that was ok. For me I did find it quite boring going to people's houses where I couldn't understand the language and they'd be like "he doesn't talk" well duh I don't talk I can't understand a word you're saying you dumba**.

I think getting thrown out is pretty embarrassing happened to me a few times just end up walking a few miles. A couple of times when my dad was telling me off when I was 10-15 he'd stop the car on a random road somewhere that I didn't know and be like "get out now" and then I'd have to beg not to be thrown out. Kinda a contrast to not being allowed out that much otherwise lol. Don't agree with doing any of that stuff.
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Barbossa
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What's worse is, everyone in my immediate family (bar the youngin's who are all less than 4 years old) are all older than me, so I can't exactly 'make a stand' as it were and get them to stop since they'll all gang up on me in the end, nor can I get any brothers or sisters to help me because because I'm an only child. So yeah, I can't really do a whole lot other than put up with it.
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Krystal
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This thread makes me sad. :( A lot of this is so uncalled for. I'm sorry guys.

I really hate talking about this sort of stuff in my own life so I can't really contribute, but I just wanted to say that you all turned out amazing DESPITE of being treated badly, not because of it. Y'all don't deserve it.
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SSJ
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My parents haven't really had to discipline me to be honest. When I was young they nicely told me if I was doing something wrong, but that was about it.
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Pookie
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Oct 1 2013, 06:54 PM
This thread makes me sad. :( A lot of this is so uncalled for. I'm sorry guys.

I really hate talking about this sort of stuff in my own life so I can't really contribute, but I just wanted to say that you all turned out amazing DESPITE of being treated badly, not because of it. Y'all don't deserve it.
To add to this already great statement, it all made you stronger and better individuals in the end. I feel like it did to me too.
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+ Pelador
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I disagree. I think it made me a more aggressive and impatient person. I resent that they felt they needed to hit me. especially considering it didn't stop me from misbehaving.


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Master Gohan
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I never got physically disciplined until I was around 14. I pissed my mom off a lot and she would hit me in the arm. Not too bad. Its not like I do anything bad though, except be on the computer! I am a huge problem child in my parents eyes, they wish I did drugs and drank alcohol and overdosed. JUST NOT THE COMPUTER!
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TrunksinSwimmingTrunks
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Personally I'm cool with how I was brought up because I think in the long run it can make me a better person. When I say long run I mean in a few years. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger many say but at a certain point of course you're not going to heal properly/it will be difficult to heal whether it's something physical or mental (like microfractures in your leg make it get stronger once it heals, but if you break your leg and then someone comes and kicks it the next week there's a good chance it won't ever heal properly, or at least it just gets harder to heal for sure). But I still think that in the end IF you heal from things you will always be stronger, and not only that the experience of the negativity will make you wiser and allow you to help others in the future.

edit: I know saying "I'm cool" seems to contradict me saying I disagree with my own parents methods but all I'm saying is that yes while I don't think it's correct I still am happy with it because I think there's a good side to it and yeh I might not be too happy a person but I think on the flip-side it at least gives me a chance to be even happier one day than I would be otherwise. Kinda hard to explain but I have plans....and imo I will succeed....
Edited by TrunksinSwimmingTrunks, Oct 1 2013, 07:33 PM.
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RiaJay21
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@Pookie - thank you! =) comparatively, what I've had to go through in the past isn't much at all - but I am determined to grow from my experiences, always. I don't know how well I've done so far! But I'm trying, definitely. And definitely - I mean, for a lot of people, they're the core influences in our lives for years, particularly during childhood where everything seems to take to a much greater degree. I never imagined myself turning out like my dad, just because I never thought we were similar in nature, but the older I get, the more in common it seems we have.

I'm so sorry to hear that you were hit - actually, I'm sorry to hear that anyone in this thread was hit. =( but I understand the idea that physical discipline was the only method that worked all the same. The way I understand the incident with my dad, I was far, far beyond adhering to any other form of punishment or reason. The only other time I can remember being hit was when I was hysterical and my mom slapped me. Uncharacteristic for her. All the same, it's difficult to know how physical discipline actually translates to a child - I think, like you said Pookie, your mother always apologized, and I do think that's reasonable. As long as the child knows what they've done and why they're being disciplined for it, and knows that it was done out of love and care, then I can't say I have an issue with it. (This sounds awful as I work with disadvantaged kids, some of whom have been abused in the past - but from that, I think that there is a line, and as long as it isn't crossed, sometimes, it's necessary).

Ultimately, I think these are things that we see only in retrospect, right? Like I said in my earlier post, I didn't understand the way my dad was with me until recently. That's when, I think, one's true response comes out - I mean, when things are rationalized and worked through, and you can decide for yourself what was you felt was right and what was wrong. =)
Oh, look. Another personal blog about writing. Whatever.
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Goddess Ultimecia
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We used to be physically disciplined by our father until around the age of 4-6. After that though it eventually turned into insults, which at first I used to agree with, but after my dad got out of hand I resented.
Take for example when my eldest sister (whom is 17 now) was 10-16 my dad used to call her a lovely lady,b***,c*** etc. I used to agree with it, but I eventually grew sick of it.
So my dad started going off on one of his rants on my sister again. I stepped in after realizing it was about to get physical (my dad was an alcoholic at the time). I grabbed his hand and squeezed as hard as I could, and my dad started yelling in pain. He punched me upside the back of my head but i didn't budge and i told him quote "I've had enough of you being an absolute a***** towards Cassandra, you absolutely disgust me." Ever since my dad hasn't done anything. The funny thing about all that though is that my sister was always at home. So how could she be all of these nasty names you know?
Unlike my siblings, I think i've learned from those experiences and grown from them. As such, i'm a pacifist, I stand up to what I feel is wrong, and I have a sense of chivalry (if ti'm using the right word) whenever I see a dude beating on a girl or yelling at her, I usually step in and tell them to stop, if they don't, I usually flip them or swing said person to the ground.

Boy lots of comma's there.
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TrunksinSwimmingTrunks
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I happen to know that "lovely lady" on this forum means slut.
I'd've imagined that if I physically did anything to my dad I'd be literally dead. Then again who knows. Still props though I suppose.

Insults are wrong too imo all it's gonna do is damage the child's self-esteem and it won't teach anything.
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+ Steve
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Greetings. I will be your waifu this season.

I think it's really quite sad how both parents and their children don't learn from each other with discipline.

I believe there is a, I'll say right discipline for everyone since everyone is different of course. As a parent it seems important that you set that line.
If you hit your kid with a belt and they keep doing crap they know is bad, you made a mistake there don't do the same thing over and over all you're doing is bastardizing yourself in the eyes of a child.
Unless there's a mental illness at play the right discipline should only need to be used once and maybe a few times more over the years.

I can't remember what it was now but I done something bad when I was like 4-5, something I knew to be bad and my punishment was a slap on the back of the hand and being grounded, no Power Rangers(or TV at all) it worked.
If ever I was thinking about doing something I knew was bad I'd remember that slap and not do it but at the same time didn't resent or fear my mother for it because it was only once due to being bad. After that peer pressure was all that got me to do bad things, but that was really rare.
Now that's a really lax punishment compared to most but the execution of it was perfect enough to make me pretty much the best behaved kid in school.

You have to make your kids fear the punishment they'll get for doing something wrong not the punisher themselves, it has to hurt, something the kid doesn't want repeated but a beating is just far too extreme a slap does it fine, stings like hell and does no lasting damage.

Parents need to try understand their kids and look at themselves too, if being thrown across the room didn't make you stop being obnoxious and/or made you hate your father/mother, don't copy that approach no matter how angry you get that's becoming the person deep down you probably still resent, don't do that to your own kid.
There should be obvious behavioural or emotional issues in someone who got beaten as a kid, I find it sad that people don't find the connection and end up giving their kids the same issues they've struggled with, or worse ones.
How many serial killers, serial rapists etc had parents they viewed as awful? Most.
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Pookie
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I think we have to make sure we separate abuse from physical discilpline. I see what happened in Squall's instance as abuse because his father was determined to offend his sister and was obviously not in the right state of mind. You did the right think squall and I commend you.

What Steve said is right in a sense. For every child, the same discipline wont work. There should be a balance. If a child doesn't learn from getting a slap to the hand, then yeah there are other methods. I mean many times my parents would just yell at my brother and myself in front of friends just to embarrass us which lmao I'd get mad, but I see how it was effective.

To me, as long as physical discipline doesn't bruise or break the skin then it isn't abuse. My parents never bruised my brother and me. It also wasn't a constant thing or done without love afterwards.

@Rai- As bad as it was at the time to be physically disciplined, I feel like I'm a better person because of it. I don't hold any anger towards my parents for it. I'm glad you were able to break through that hard time with your father and manage to turn it into something positive that you could learn from later in life.

As you pointed out, it isn't easy being a parent either. I wish there weren't kid who were abused because not all disciplining parents want to do harm to their child.
Edited by Pookie, Oct 2 2013, 01:37 AM.
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