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Dragon ball Hoshi; IK its a fake show but i wrote this for fun more to come thew out gt and the ending of db sorry:(
Topic Started: Sep 13 2011, 02:47 AM (2,907 Views)
TeamPowerPole
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Chapter 1
Spoiler: click to toggle

Sorry it was short please comment thank you.


Chapter 2 Enjoy
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Comment Thank you for reading!
Edited by TeamPowerPole, Sep 18 2011, 04:28 AM.
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Niels
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Well the idea is certainly interesting and something I bet we've all fantasized about once before ;) I have a bit of constructive criticism though, if I may be so bold. If I may not, then just ignore my post haha.

First thing I noticed is that you don't use a lot of interpunction. You use questionsmarks and a few exclamation marks and a dot here or there to end a sentence. You don't really use comma's and such though.

What is also prefer myself, is when people use quote marks, when somebody is talking, so for example.

"Where did this come from?" Hoshi asked himself out loud.

Or

"Hello who is this?" A mysterious voice said. Hoshi got a bit scared and looked around to see where the voice was coming form.
"My name is Hoshi... who are you?" Hoshi asked weary, almost terrified.

See what I mean? It reads a lot easier than putting somebody his or her name and then putting :'s, which makes it feel more like a screenplay than fanfiction.

Besides that, I did enjoy reading it even though, as you said yourself, it was quite short. Keep on writing, try to be creative with your words and if you feel that you're having trouble expressing yourself, try looking up an online dictionary to look up the things you want to write.

Good luck!
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TeamPowerPole
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Niels
Sep 15 2011, 02:58 PM
Well the idea is certainly interesting and something I bet we've all fantasized about once before ;) I have a bit of constructive criticism though, if I may be so bold. If I may not, then just ignore my post haha.

First thing I noticed is that you don't use a lot of interpunction. You use questionsmarks and a few exclamation marks and a dot here or there to end a sentence. You don't really use comma's and such though.

What is also prefer myself, is when people use quote marks, when somebody is talking, so for example.

"Where did this come from?" Hoshi asked himself out loud.

Or

"Hello who is this?" A mysterious voice said. Hoshi got a bit scared and looked around to see where the voice was coming form.
"My name is Hoshi... who are you?" Hoshi asked weary, almost terrified.

See what I mean? It reads a lot easier than putting somebody his or her name and then putting :'s, which makes it feel more like a screenplay than fanfiction.

Besides that, I did enjoy reading it even though, as you said yourself, it was quite short. Keep on writing, try to be creative with your words and if you feel that you're having trouble expressing yourself, try looking up an online dictionary to look up the things you want to write.

Good luck!
Thank you For telling me this chapter 2 will be longer and better I was just having fun with it :) but chapter 2 is coming soon so look out for it!
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+ Havoc_Wreaker
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Popcorn

hmmmmmm not bad

each chap needs to be longer

but its still good

not amazing but good

need a little work though
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TeamPowerPole
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havoc_wreaker
Sep 18 2011, 02:18 AM
hmmmmmm not bad

each chap needs to be longer

but its still good

not amazing but good

need a little work though
thanks and working on it
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