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Dragon Ball: TCS; A Fan-Fic Sequel to Dragon Ball Z!
Topic Started: Sep 11 2011, 11:59 AM (938 Views)
TeamPoPo
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I've canceled this project awhile back, thank you.
Edited by TeamPoPo, Sep 4 2012, 01:01 AM.
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Niels
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Well, I read all 5 chapters and it certainly is interesting and quite exciting. In the first chapter especially, there were quite some grammatical errors though, you might want to check on your 'your' and 'you're' 's, there were some errors in that.

I also thought that the story was a bit.. static. It reads like a screenplay and I didn't get fully sucked into the story, it would help to remove the 'Goku: <text>' and turn it into something as "<text>" Goku said, with great courage/doubt/etc. Writing like that often brings greater depth to your story and makes it easier to read.

You definitely have a good ammount of creativity though and that's the most important thing. One thing that did bother me a little bit was that a lot of the characters didn't really seem like themselves. Chi-Chi was, in my humble opinion, way to violent and there are a few more examples like that. Of course that is fully your decision as it is your story, however personally, I would say that if you change a characters personality, that you should do it in a smooth way. Make their personlity progress to something new, not instantly change into it.

I did enjoy reading it though, keep on writing!
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+ Havoc_Wreaker
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Popcorn

mehh the first chapter was good

at times the story was very lackluster and not interesting and some times it was interesting

itwas also very cheesy

and what the hell gohan rips piccolos arms come on now thats just not right

but all in all not bad you need to improve though

i enjoyed the story though

7/10

im a nice guy
Edited by Havoc_Wreaker, Sep 15 2011, 10:45 PM.
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TeamPoPo
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Niels
Sep 15 2011, 03:12 PM
Well, I read all 5 chapters and it certainly is interesting and quite exciting. In the first chapter especially, there were quite some grammatical errors though, you might want to check on your 'your' and 'you're' 's, there were some errors in that.

I also thought that the story was a bit.. static. It reads like a screenplay and I didn't get fully sucked into the story, it would help to remove the 'Goku: <text>' and turn it into something as "<text>" Goku said, with great courage/doubt/etc. Writing like that often brings greater depth to your story and makes it easier to read.

You definitely have a good ammount of creativity though and that's the most important thing. One thing that did bother me a little bit was that a lot of the characters didn't really seem like themselves. Chi-Chi was, in my humble opinion, way to violent and there are a few more examples like that. Of course that is fully your decision as it is your story, however personally, I would say that if you change a characters personality, that you should do it in a smooth way. Make their personlity progress to something new, not instantly change into it.

I did enjoy reading it though, keep on writing!
Thank you for checking this out first. Anyways the grammatical errors do need work I agree, I was very tired when I made the first two. I would not use that for the other 3 chapters.

For the static story, It looks like a script and I agree 100% I try to change that up around chapter 4 & 5.

Now for the character's. It does need work on getting them more better to "process" and for Chi-Chi I wanted to go with her old, Complaining, Ect.

Thanks for your review!


~Nick
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TeamPoPo
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havoc_wreaker
Sep 15 2011, 10:44 PM
mehh the first chapter was good

at times the story was very lackluster and not interesting and some times it was interesting

itwas also very cheesy

and what the hell gohan rips piccolos arms come on now thats just not right

but all in all not bad you need to improve though

i enjoyed the story though

7/10

im a nice guy
Hey! First. Thanks for the review.

As for the cheasyness I can agree at point's. Keep in mind that I am trying just to fill out the story to the main "fight's".

Anyways for Gohan the I wanted him to take out Piccolo's arm was because. One He did know Piccolo can regenerate and Two I wanted Gohan to be determined to meet his "Brother".

Thanks!

~Nick
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Niels
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It was already a lot easier and a lote more entertaining to read this way, definitely a job well done! I'm glad that this writing style worked out for you, it was a lot easier to imagine the story as if it really were a Dragonball TCS episode!

One new thing I would like to put some attention on is that you do use a lot of 'says.' Try to be more diverse. They don't just "say" they also "tell," "mumble," "yell," "scream," etc. etc. When you use different ways to express their feelings, it becomes even easier to really feel a part of the story!

The last chapter was definitely a major improvement, keep on writing man! :=]:
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TeamPoPo
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Niels
Sep 19 2011, 01:47 AM
It was already a lot easier and a lote more entertaining to read this way, definitely a job well done! I'm glad that this writing style worked out for you, it was a lot easier to imagine the story as if it really were a Dragonball TCS episode!

One new thing I would like to put some attention on is that you do use a lot of 'says.' Try to be more diverse. They don't just "say" they also "tell," "mumble," "yell," "scream," etc. etc. When you use different ways to express their feelings, it becomes even easier to really feel a part of the story!

The last chapter was definitely a major improvement, keep on writing man! :=]:
Haha Thanks!

Anyways Yea I do agree with the "says" "said" "say" ect. Sometimes It could be hard to think of thinks to replace but yea! :=]:



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TeamPoPo
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Heya! I've been inactive latley but I have Chapter 7 out! Sooo check it out guys! Tell me what you think, I find it a huge improvment!
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Niels
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Well that was quite a twist for the story. Luvara worked together with a man, who made Androids. I wonder what he'll do, when he finds out it was him who killed his own stephfather. Perhaps even take revenge on himself?

Can't wait to read more : )!
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TeamPoPo
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Niels
Oct 8 2011, 07:45 PM
Well that was quite a twist for the story. Luvara worked together with a man, who made Androids. I wonder what he'll do, when he finds out it was him who killed his own stephfather. Perhaps even take revenge on himself?

Can't wait to read more : )!
Ha, Who knows? :)
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