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Am I'm evil?
Topic Started: May 31 2011, 12:15 AM (1,163 Views)
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Crazy Awesome Legend

There are several reasons why I now believe myself to be evil. The reasons stem from dark thoughts I often have throughout the day.

First of all and the most recent. I keep imaganing pouring hot chocolate over my cat and watching her go into anaphalctic shock from the trauma. I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand, something in my head is tellling me it would be funny. On the other hand, I also understand how horrible it would be. I could never actually cause harm to an animal. I still feel guilty about the insect I accidentally killed on the bus the other day. So if I feel guilty about trivial issues, how am I evil? Read on...

I once tried to stab my younger brother just to see if I could. I couldn't. But the fact that I tried surely says something about my personality.

In primary school, I pushed a girl I didn't like down a grass bank, she landed on concrete and cried. I felt good about making her cry and I still have no remorse over it. She didn't even do anything wrong, except be too happy. There was no reason to be so smiley. It was annoying. She needed to be shown life is miserable and unfair.

At that same school, a girl was running across the playground and I stuck my leg out delibrately. She went flying, there were tears. I still find it funny.

I bullied a few people throughout primary school too. At least four different people if I recall. this ranged from physical violence, to verbal abuse and mind games. I even managed to affect one girl so much, she used to skip school just to avoid me. I don't feel remorse. Most of them were dicks anyway. Though with the last girl I mentioned it was just meaningless. I was bullying for the sake of it.

I also often have very violent thoughts. When I walk past strangers in the street, I imagine myself attacking them. When I sit behind people on the bus, I imagine punching them in the back of the head or pulling their hair if it is long.

So does this behaviour and thoughts mean I'm evil? Or am I just a horrible person?


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Strawberry
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OKAY, first of all, DO NOT do anything to your cat or any other living creature for that matter. It would not be funny at all and you'd have to live with a horrible sense of guilt after that.

I don't think you're "evil" because you're obviously self conscious about those impulses and you understand they're not right.

Could those thoughts come from your condition? Do you know if other autistic people tend to feel the same way?

Also, how much control do you think you have over those impulses? From what you said I'm guessing you do have enough control to avoid doing something drastic.

Have you talked about this with a therapist?

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Don't worry, my cat is far too adorable to do something that cruel to.

I saw my psychologist the other day but I find it really hard to talk to a woman I only see once every six months. I need to know somebody quite well before I can share my thoughts with them.

Sometimes I feel like my control is waning. I have to try so hard not to act on them. It is very tempting to punch random people in the back of the head.

Maybe I'm not evil right now, but these impulses I have could lead me down a dark path if I don't stay strong. Why am I so violent?


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Destiny
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Interesting Interesting Topic. You're quite the individual Pelador. I don't understand the question if the thoughts and behaviors make you evil doesn't that in itself make you horrible? Well I can't say I've done these thing well not to this extent but I've had deep and troubling thoughts in the past. Though I never acted on them I felt If angered to point I might have. I don't believe your truly evil because anyone who is wouldn't feel the need to worry about whether or not they were. They'd just accept it. I'm no doctor but you might have problems that you need to sort out. Keep fighting the urges though I know their tough. If you can't handle it release it somewhere no one will notice. Not that you should though. Keep them doormat they'll make for a great middle aged crisis story.
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Paikuan extreme
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sorry dude, everyone has a dark side, it just depends on how far you are willing to take it. Integration of your two personalities is crucial in my world, one cant be with out the other, doing something good has its rewards, and doing something bad is tempered by your good side. Most people pick and choose, its what makes us human, honestly pel? we are crazy by nature. We are animals and have wild impulses like the next. But since we are able to think outside the box we can mix and match. Hope this helps.
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Crazy Awesome Legend

The thing that gets to me quite a bit is just why? Why do I have these thoughts? Why did I feel I had to bully those people? If I don't have the stomach to hurt a fly, why do I get images of myself causing harm to an animal I love? None of it makes any sense. I'm so violent and aggressive for no reason at all and it genuinely bothers me. It makes me want to smash stuff.


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Depends if you like it or not, if not you know that you can manage to control the evil in you.

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Paikuan extreme
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ahhhhhh, the angst, not a laughing matter for those who give in, i think its important to remember that you arent interested in hurting people, going through a dark period is nuts, but eventually you get through it, mostly because you let it go and move on with your life. I still shake my head sometimes and get violent thoughts for no reason, always creating a scenario thats dangerous for the other person, maybe its just me being cautious, who knows, but alot of the times it raises red alarms and lets me know what kind of mood im in. Dont let stuff bug you so much and you wont dwell on it, not as easy as it sounds, but it does help to relax a little.
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It would still be nice to know why such imagery and behaviour happens. I've had a top class upbringing, had a tonne of support, people always looking out for me, never had it rough. So why do I feel so violent and angry all the time? And is there a way to remove this "darkness"?


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Strawberry
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Pelador
May 31 2011, 12:41 AM
The thing that gets to me quite a bit is just why? Why do I have these thoughts? Why did I feel I had to bully those people? If I don't have the stomach to hurt a fly, why do I get images of myself causing harm to an animal I love? None of it makes any sense. I'm so violent and aggressive for no reason at all and it genuinely bothers me. It makes me want to smash stuff.
Violent feelings and thoughts are normal to a certain extent. Even irrational ones that involve people you actually love and care about.
What's not normal is having them often and getting a sense of satisfaction out of them.

I don't like using the word "normal" too much because it's very complex to define.

I really suggest you start opening up more to your psychologist and start telling her about these impulses. Why do you only see her once or twice a year? Don't you think more time with her would be helpful?

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I do think more time would be helpful but she's obviously a busy lady. I think the sessions are actually just routine like an annual doctors checkup. It's my nurse I usually speak to about this sort of thing. I'm seeing him next week actually so maybe I'll remember to unload some of this on him.


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honestly pel? it sounds corny, but having a vent like actual physical something, i used martial arts, pent up aggression can usually be dealt with by using aggression to get it out, meditation works too. Are you picked on? are there times when you feel helpless? why dont you find the source of your aggression and angst?, mine was because i just had a horrible temper, and didnt care what others thought, almost became a rageaholic. Then i became an introvert. I found that for me physical aggression was needed to help me think through my issues, some people draw out their demons, give their aggression and angst a face. Gonna have to find it, whatever it may be that calms you down, put some energy into it. Make it a part of you, at least that way you will learn how to direct whats been misdirected, i grew up middle upper class, there are still things that just confuse people and make them worry sick over a few things, if anything obsession will drive you more crazy than your hallucinations.

its possbile just talking about it is enough for you, i tend to get worked up when i remember emotions and such. So i put a scientific face to it and learned to look objectively on what the hell my problem is. Helps more than not. alot of the times, just KNOWING what my problem is helps me deal with it.
Edited by Paikuan extreme, May 31 2011, 01:06 AM.
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That's the weird thing. My aggression doesn't come from anywhere. psychologically, I shouldn't be violent. I've never really been bullied. Only a few odd names here and there and people laughing at me behind my back. But I had these issues before that. I'm always telling myself to ask my nurse or my psychologist for answers but I forget everytime and make out like everything's fine.

I workout but I think the testosterone makes me worse. Especially around women.


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Maybe it's a disorder you don't know off? Try asking a professional if this might be symptoms of a disorder?
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You could be on to something there. Some sort of disorder where I just feel like being violent/aggressive/abusive all the time.


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