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| Dragon Ball: Realm; Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. venture into Demon God Realm. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 17 2011, 09:17 PM (2,317 Views) | |
| Arkadom | Mar 28 2011, 08:20 PM Post #16 |
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Bargle nawdle zouss
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Wow..... Chapter 2:8.9 Chapter 3:9.0 Good job
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In these eyes of mine Spoiler: click to toggle Epic for Copy_Ninja
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| BattleMetal | Apr 4 2011, 11:47 PM Post #17 |
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Good work- clear and definitive descriptions... good ground to work off of too as Goku jnr and Vegeta jnr dont have too much known about them other than being descendeants of their forefathers; Son-Goku and Vegeta. You can play around with their personalities and characteristics and make them your own while still retaining the DBZ verse feel. This you have done well. Sometimes you are trying to describe suspense scenes and you get your sentencing mixed up, like you are telling the reader what is happening before you are meant to (if that makes sense?). I understand that its because you are adding in the detail and trying to describe what is going on (i do the same thing too at times) but a little touch up and it will be A-Ok. Enjoyed the little scuffle between the jnr pair and the demon assassin. Powerful visual of the ending of the fight when Vegeta jnr goes SS2 and reverses the demons attack on him, could see the fight clear in my head like i was watching the show. Liking your take on things in the DBZ verse that Saiyans where created as weapons by the demon race- bold and unique- and it leads me to wonder what inspired this move? This pill thing is very cool too and again another unique feature you have added with the performance boosters. Wondering how your going to fit in the elements into this too as DBZ never them as a feature of importance. Looking forward to see you continue this tale. |
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http://dbzf.co.uk/topic/8040430/1/ Link to my DBZ fan-fic tale: Saiyans, Frieza, the Ginyu Force and other alien races and beings all chucked into the soup-pot for all out action and glory! http://dbzf.co.uk/topic/8129945/1/#new Link to a DBZ inspired story/ battle scenario that i did when i was 16 http://dbzf.co.uk/topic/8071554/1/#new Link to the Marvel/DC tale of the super-powered hereos and villians of both verses. Biggest heavy-hitters square off in an almight-free-for-all brawl! | |
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| Wintergreen5000 | Apr 8 2011, 07:40 AM Post #18 |
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WCZE
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Alright. Thank you for your positive criticism BattleMetal. I tried to understand what you were talking about, but I'm not quite sure I get the full grasp of it. Yet, I will try to make things interesting. Hopefully I don't disappoint. From the sound of things though, the story is going swimmingly. Now, I know I haven't posted a new chapter in a while. My internet has been down for quite a few days. So that inhibited me from posting. I'm going to make up for that gap though and [maybe not tonight] try to add a couple chapters in one post to make up for the loss of time. I know I said I'd be doing it every day or so, and that was a lie [lol], but like I said, if not today, SOON, I will post several chapters at once as a...bonus. I don't think it will be tonight, but we'll see. Okay. Without further ado... CHAPTER FOUR!!! Dragon Ball: Realm, Part 4: Departure Goku Jr: "... Dende?!" Dende: "It is I. Speak quickly." Vegeta Jr: "If you're the Guardian of the Earth then you must have an inkling as to why we're here." Dende: "Indeed I do. You are right. I know why you are here, but I do not know exactly what you want." Goku Jr: "Dende... We need to get to Demon Realm." Dende: "I'm going to be frank with you Goku. I don't know where it exists. I've only heard of it from the Kais." Goku Jr: "Well, why can't you just introduce us to these Kais? Maybe they can take us there." Dende: "Listen Goku. I really doubt it. I will introduce you to them only because this realm is in danger of being breached. That is the only reason why they will help you, or even take an audience with you. And it's the only reason I will help you too." Vegeta Jr: "We're wasting time here then." Dende: "Come then Goku. I will take you to Otherworld." Dende turns and starts walking into the left temple followed by Goku and Vegeta. After making a few turns the group of three finally arrive in a strange room, the center of which is embedded with a portal hole. Dende: "This my friends, is my way of travelling to Otherworld." Goku Jr: "Woooowwwwww!!! Cool!" Vegeta Jr: "Intriguing. But what stops others from coming up here and stumbling upon it?" Dende: "Well, for one, my bodyguard. And two, my will. You see, the portal hole is only formed if I want it to be. Through my training as a guardian over the years I have been able to conjure up a few magic tricks. This is one of them." Vegeta Jr: "Wait a minute, wait a minute. For this to work a portal has to be present over in Otherworld. What stops them from coming over here?" Dende: "Good question. Probably the smartest thing I've heard you say since you came here." Vegeta Jr: "What did you say?!" Goku Jr puts him arm up to calm Vegeta down. Goku Jr: "Vegeta..." Dende: "They have their own protective measures. They keep their portals secret, but they also have protection to keep them safe. Two of the three 'Ss' that make up the third 'S': Success." Vegeta Jr: "Heh. Spare the philosphy for your bodyguard." Dende: "Although I am tolerant of your attitude Vegeta, the Kais will not be. Watch what you say when you meet them." Goku Jr: "Don't worry Dende. I'll keep him in line." Dende: "Now, Goku, will you depart?" Goku looks at Vegeta and Vegeta nods. Goku Jr: "Yes! We're ready!" Dende: "Then let's step into the portal." Goku and Vegeta slowly but surely step into the black hole, travelling to Otherworld. Namekian Bodyguard: "My lord?" Dende: "Make sure this place is kept safe. I will be back soon." Namekian Bodyguard: "Yes Kami." Dende steps into the portal to Otherworld. In next to no time at all Dende arrives in Otherworld crashing down onto Goku and Vegeta. Getting up from the collision... Vegeta Jr: "Watch where you're falling fool!" Dende composes himself and ignores Vegeta. Dende: "Please, follow me." Dende, Goku Jr, and Vegeta Jr walk further from the black hole towards the exit of the portal area, which is surrounded by a hanging platform over Hell's yellow clouds. Vegeta Jr: "Where the hell are we?" Dende: "Actually, we're right above Hell. It's a little bit of a ways to the check-in station. From there I can refer you to the Grand Kai. They'll phone you in and fly you there. But I cannot go past that point. Since you are the ones who will enter Demon Realm, well, you will be exclusively permitted, though yet alive, to enter the realm of the dead. Come!" Goku Jr: "Alright! Let's go Vegeta!" Vegeta Jr: "Let's do it!" Dende, Goku, and Vegeta walk on a platform path, which is floating above Hell, towards the check-in station. As they near the main road... Guard: "Halt! Who goes there?" There in front of the travelling trio stands four guards. These guards are colorfully armored, so much so that they appear as rainbow robots. Vegeta Jr: "(Surely if I ever saw a bunch fools...heh)" Dende: "I am Dende, Guardian of the Earth. I seek audience with King Yemma." Guard: "Sure, we recognize you. And these are..." Dende: "Companions. They are with me. You have nothing to fear from them." Guard: "Alright then, you may pass forward." As they walk past the guards Vegeta starts off laughing. Vegeta Jr: "Have you ever seen such fools Goku?" Dende: "Don't let their looks deceive you. They are the bodyguard to King Yemma. Long ago there was an evil disturbance in this realm that caused an outbreak of destruction and imbalance all across the universe. These guards have been made to ensure that such things that may occur again are dealt with." Vegeta Jr: "Ha ha ha ha!! They still look ridiculous! True warriors make sure they appear sharp! Only then can true victories be accomplished." Goku Jr: "Well, that all sounds very interesting, but I really think we should be going." Dende: "Right." The group takes off walking. Several hours later... Vegeta Jr: "Damn! Aren't we there yet?! We've been walking for hours! This is ridiculous!" Dende: "This is to ensure that it is hidden." Vegeta Jr: "Un...believable. We don't have time for this! We've got to move! By now those guys who sent that assassin might know he's dead." Goku Jr: "Maybe, but how?" Vegeta Jr: "Uh, he never returned? That says a lot. They didn't send him to Earth for vacation. He had a job to do. By now, he would've either failed or succeeded. Obviously he failed. So they must know by now." Goku Jr: "Dende, he's right. We need to move." Dende: "Okay, but I can't fly that fast." Goku Jr: "Leave it to me!" Goku picks up Dende, who, upon being picked up, sort of panics as Goku and Vegeta turn Super Saiyan and blast off at what seems to be lightning speed. One hour later...as they are still flying... Vegeta Jr: "Curses! Who takes the time to make a road this long anyway?! Goku, we need to move, NOW!" Goku Jr: "Right!" Goku and Vegeta turn Super Saiyan 2, sending lighting bolts flying across the sky above Hell. Both accelerate to a blazing speed sending Dende into a real panic. Finally, after another twenty minutes or so of flying, Goku, Vegeta, and Dende arrive at the check-in station. Therein resides the famous King Yemma. King Yemma: "Ahh, Dende! What can I do for you?" Dend leaps off of Goku's arms onto the floor. Goku and Vegeta return to their base levels. Dende: "Oh! Yes, most venerable King Yemma! I implore you, please, let these two fighters, Goku Jr and Vegeta Jr, descendants of the legendary Saiyan warriors Goku and Vegeta, whom I'm sure you know, see the Grand Kai. It is of utmost importance that they acquire audience with him." King Yemma: "Dende, I've known you for a while, and I do trust you, but, what is this? What's going on? I can't send them to see the Grand Kai if they don't have a really good reason. Not to mention, they are alive." Dende: "Great King Yemma, these two Saiyans are the targets of the infamous Demon Gods, the ones who we are eternally in competition with. Being such, this realm and namely their home is in danger of being attacked. It is imperative that we send them to take the fight to the Demon Realm. I know no one else who is as strong as these two who can get the job done. Please, I beg you, let them pass. If they don't get there in time, the fight may be brought to us." King Yemma: "This is true?" Dende: "Yes sir. Please." King Yemma: "Alright then. No time to waste then let's get them boarded on the plane." Dende: "Thank you sir! Goku, Vegeta, good luck. You will be accompanied by an assistant to the Grand Kai. Please, be safe, and get the job done." Goku Jr: "Don't worry Dende, we'll come back safely!" Vegeta Jr nods. Dende: "Good by then Goku, Vegeta." Goku: "See you soon!" Goku and Vegeta take the left corridor out of the check-in station towards the plane waiting for them on the lift-off platform. End of Part 4 Okay, not sure if this part is done yet or not, BUT, I will add some more later, real soon. It's just that I'm tired. So, please, stay tuned. Now, I know, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, and yes it's a lot, but I promise the action will come, and it will be glorious. Edited by Wintergreen5000, Apr 9 2011, 06:34 AM.
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| Wintergreen5000 | Apr 9 2011, 09:09 AM Post #19 |
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WCZE
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Last night I was a bit buzzed, so I know there are probably loads of spelling errors and the detail of things was a bit too dull. However, tonight I am sober. Yes. So, I hope you guys will enjoy chapter five here. Dragon Ball: Realm, Part 5: Ruse As Dende waves good-bye, Goku and Vegeta board the plane to Otherworld. Pilot: "Hello folks! I'll be your pilot for today. Don't expect to much from the flight. It's clear skies from here on out. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the service of our attendants. Thank you for taking Otherworld Airlines, and have a safe trip." Goku and Vegeta sit in silence as the other souls travelling rage on in their boring conversations. Vegeta looks at Goku. Goku, staring out the window, begins to speak. Goku Jr: "Look at it Vegeta... It looks a lot like home." Vegeta glances out towards Heaven through the window. Vegeta Jr: "Yeah, I suppose you're right." After a brief moment of silence Vegeta asks, Vegeta Jr: "Goku. Even if we get to Demon Realm, I'm not sure we can handle these guys on our own, even with the stuff we got." Goku Jr: "You worry too much. We always pull through everything we go through, and that's what makes us a great team." Vegeta Jr: "Now you're just acting stupid. I was barely able to beat that one demon at full power. There must be other demons stronger than that assassin. Goku Jr: "What was his name again?" Vegeta Jr: "I don't remember. Started with a 'B' though. Anyway, I'm just worried about who we're going to have to face. What if they're too much for us." Goku Jr: "They won't be. I promise you, whoever we have to stand against, I'll be there by your side. We'll take them down together. No one can stop us when we work together at the top of our game." Vegeta looks down at the floor, thankful for Goku's positive attitude and friendship, but still stressed over who they might face next. Meanwhile, in Demon God Realm: Messenger: "My Lord! My Lord! I've just recieved word. Baku the assassin has failed!" There in the shadows of a green-tinted yet darkened throne-room, the lead Demon God resides. Demon God: "Not much of an assassin was he then?" Messenger: "No, my lord!" Demon God: "Well then, send word to the others. Let them know our little children have outdone themselves once again. Tell them to send the Elite over to Otherworld! It's time we shook things up a bit; let them know who we are once again. Lure those Saiyan miscreants over to me. We'll see if they are half as tough as they think they are. My dear messenger, the game is on!" Messenger: "Yes my Lord, right away!" Demon God: "(This could be interesting then afterall)" The mysterious Demon God stirs his wine and takes a drink looking upwards. Demon God: "(Don't disappoint me)" Back in Otherworld: Pilot: "Attention! We are beginning our descent! Please make sure you are buckled into your seat and ready for landing!" A few minutes later Goku and Vegeta land on a runway. Exiting the plane, Goku and Vegeta make their way to Heaven's check-in station. There they find a blue ogre holding up a sign which says: "Goku Jr and Vegeta Jr". Goku and Vegeta proceed to the ogre. Goku Jr: "That's us!" Blue Ogre: "Hello, and welcome! My name is Yen. Please, follow me. I will take you to see the Grand Kai." Vegeta Jr: "Very well. Lead the way." Yen takes Goku and Vegeta past the check-in landing station to the mansion of the Grand Kai. Being in proximity of the doorway, the ogre Yen goes on to explain etiquette. Yen: "Gentlemen, I don't know what your philosophy on authority is, but here Grand Kai is Lord. As such, he demands a great deal of respect. Watch what you say to him. You are here as guests, not residents, and even residents aren't allowed audience with him under normal circumstances. Heed my warnings, please." Goku Jr: "Will do, Mr." Vegeta Jr: "If I must." Yen: "Good then." Yen opens the door. Yen: "This way gentlemen." Yen leads them through what seems a pitch black mansion until finally they see a light at a distance. As they approach the light closer and closer they realize that it is actually a great throne room area. Everything is gold. There upon the throne sits an old man with a long beard and shades, wearing rag-tag jeans and a white under-T. Yen leads Goku and Vegeta into the throne-room in front of the Grand Kais entourage. Yen: "My lord, these are the two men who wanted an audience with you. I have brought them as instructed." Grand Kai: "Very good Yen. You may leave. See that your other duties are fulfilled." Yen: "Yes, Grand Kai." Yen exits. Grand Kai: "So, young brothas, what calls you forth to my humble home? Ahh, I already know! Dumb question. So you're volunteering to save the realms of this universe? Kind of a suicide mission don't you think?" Goku Jr: "We didn't volunteer, we were forced to make the decision to fight back. We're here for our family and friends." Grand Kai: "Ah yes, indeed, a noble cause. My boys do you have any idea what you are asking to be thrown into? We aren't talking about your average demons from your planet's own boogey-place. Nah, these are true, sure-fire, bastard-demons you are scramblin' for a fight with. Are you sure you're ready?" Vegeta turns his head to look at Goku and then steps forward to speak. Vegeta Jr: "We wouldn't be here if we weren't. We have faith in our abilities." Grand Kai: "I know WHAT you are. Since you know who you're going after you probably know why they're after you. I know what you're capable of. I have faith in you boys. But as long as you're seriously planning to undergo this kind of mission, I might as well tell you the whole story." Goku Jr: "What whole story?" Grand Kai: "Why they exist. Long ago there was only one Realm. This Realm was a lot like what you see here. We had rulers who oversaw certain galaxies and others who oversaw planets beneath them. Things were all fine and dandy until one of those galactic rulers became envious of one of the higher Kais, who was well-liked by the Supreme Kai. This envied one was my father, the head of the Council of Kais. The North Kai at that time practiced Dark Kai arts that gave him extraordinary powers. No one knows exactly how he attained them, but he did. With this new power he influenced the other Kais, the South and East Galaxy Kais, and taught them the dark arts. The West Kai at that time was too noble to think of betraying the Realm. So, they had him killed. After that the Supreme Kais came together and banished them from the Heaven Realm and the three Galactic Kais were sent into a limbo. However, through the use of the Dark Kai magic the North Kai was able to create a new Realm. We know this much because he has told us. The problem is we don't know where exactly they are located. So we can't try to invade them. We do know of some of their plans to destroy our Realm. You two are walking proof that even in Heaven, here, evil can still be conjured up. They made you with the power of the Dark Kai arts to be genetically superior to all races. In battle, you would excel in strength and power over time. And, it is indeed proven to have happened. We have in our records the defeat of the Overlord Freeza by the hands of a Saiyan named Goku. I imagine you son are related to him." Vegeta Jr: "But how did they plant us here? Who was the one who started to breed us?" Grand Kai: "Apparently, the Demon Gods themselves, through their Dark Kai magic. They have the power to make almost anything they so desire. And it is said that a remnant of that power is manifested into their creations. This is why you are so strong. You're testament to the power they use." Goku Jr: "But how do you know that we come from them?" Grand Kai: "Apart from the anomaly of your emergence in the universe, according to records your race was the most destructive collectively. It was told us by the Demon Kai long ago that they would plant a weapon in our realm that would sow the seeds of destruction. You were our best guess as the fulfillment of that threat. We assume it is you. However, it seems that their plan indeed failed. The Saiyans are nearly extinct, save for you and a few others. Over the last hundred years your kind has not only failed as a destructive force for their purpose, but have thwarted some of their other "projects" as well. I believe it was also your ancestor Goku who stopped the monster Majin Buu. The conjurer of that creature was an apprentice of the Dark Kai arts. He was from Demon God Realm. Vegeta Jr: "Why don't they just show their faces and fight?" Grand Kai: "Perhaps they feel they don't have to. Why go yourself when others can get the job done? Anyway, now that I'm done explaining, why don't you guys tell me how you intend to get yourselves there?" Goku Jr: "We thought you would be the one get us there." Vegeta Jr: "Great! Now what?" Suddenly, a great explosion shakes the mansion. Grand Kai: "Waaaahhhhh!!!! What's going on?! You!" Random Servant: "Yes Grand Kai!" Grand Kai: "What's going on?!" Random Servant: "I don't know sir!" Grand Kai: "Ahh!! Useless!!" More explosions take place and the roof breaks open. As debris drops on the throne-room floor, Grand Kai's entourage run amok in fear. Standing on the roof of the mansion are three demons, each unique in appearance. The first from the left is the tallest. His skin is blue and he wears black armor over his chest and quads. His arms are free however and he wears a purple cloth around his waist, tied from the front. His face is covered with a bronze mask, the front of which is in the form of a demon's face. He carries two spears on his back. His hair is orange, and is tied back in a pony-tail. The second one from the left, the shortest, is dressed in red robes. Covering his head is a hood. His eyes are completely red and his skin is a pale green. He has no eyebrows. Strapped over his back is a scythed weapon. On his shoulder is a brown spaulder. The third demon is wearing a black trenchcoat and gray pants. His skin is light red and he has a scar on his right cheek. He has no hair and his eyes are also dark green. He has no weapons either. Goku and Vegeta stare up at the deadly looking trio. Vegeta Jr: "Goku! Look! They're demons!" Goku Jr: "They sure look like it!" The tallest one, Zastura, speaks out first. Zastura: "You did well enough against Baku. However, he was a weakling. A dumb one at that. If you want to stop us, then follow us, we'll take you where you want to go." Vegeta Jr: "You take us for fools?! You have a trap laid!" The smallest demon, Mutaro, speaks next. Mutaro: "You'd be a fool not to come. You have no other way of finding us. Our master is interested in you. He wishes to see just how strong his children have become. You think you're up for some sport?" Goku Jr: "We'll destroy you on your own turf then! Lead the way!" Mutaro: "Good then. Follow us!" Vegeta Jr: "Goku? Are you sure about this? They might lead us into a trap!" Goku Jr: "But that's precisely it Vegeta. Not even the Grand Kai has a way of getting us there. This could be our chance to get there!" Vegeta Jr: "It still seems foolish." Goku Jr: "You know what? I'm not going to lie to you Vegeta. It is foolish, but this is still a necessary act." Mutaro: "Are you Saiyans coming or not?" Vegeta Jr and Goku Jr fly towards them, and the demons take off up into the sky of the Heavenly Realm into a red portal. The Grand Kai and everyone look up in amazement as the Demons and Saiyans go through the portal. Grand Kai: "Good luck boys!" End of Part 5 EDIT: Yes, I changed the appearance of the demons simply because I didn't like it. So... Edited by Wintergreen5000, Apr 12 2011, 04:34 AM.
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| Wintergreen5000 | Apr 12 2011, 06:47 AM Post #20 |
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WCZE
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Okay, so, I don't know if you guys are still reading these or not because I'm not getting any feedback. But I think the best of the best is still yet to come. Not sure if I'm doing things right though. I think I sorta sank down in quality a bit. So, other chapters may take a bit longer. I just wanna make sure that I'm making quality and not quantity. But uh, here's chapter six: Dragon Ball: Realm, Part 6: First of Many Goku and Vegeta fly upwards out of Grand Kai's palace into the the red portal. The demons travel in backwards erasing into the darkness. Goku Jr: "Let's do this Vegeta!" Vegeta Jr: "Strap yourself in Goku! This is it!" The Saiyans venture into Demon God Realm unbeknownst to the dangers the near future will bring. Meanwhile, at Demon God Palace: Demon God 1: "They have entered the Realm finally!" Demon God 2: "At last, the game will begin!" Demon God 3: "How long do you think they will last?" Demon God 2: "I doubt they'll get past the gate." Demon God 1: "We shall see. Let the entertainment begin. I will enjoy the death of our perturbed creation!" Goku and Vegeta are thrown into a daze as they travel at speeds unaware to comprehension into the Demon Realm. Finally, after a twist in space, Goku and Vegeta crash-land onto a sea of sand sending dust and rock flying into the sky. Vegeta and Goku, aching from the speed of travel, take some time to get up. Vegeta Jr: "Damn! What the hell just happened?!" Goku Jr: "Agghh!! I don't know, but my back hurts! Vegeta! I can't stand up!" Vegeta Jr walks over to Goku and cracks his back back into place. Goku Jr: "OH GOD! MAN THAT HURT! Ahh!!" Vegeta Jr: "Keep your wits about you Goku. We're in enemy territory now. We don't know where those three went off too either! Damn them!" Goku Jr: "Vegeta! Look! A road!" Vegeta Jr: "I suppose it's our only way of knowing where to go. Alright, let's follow it!" Goku and Vegeta make their way along the path. Suddenly, they are met by a strange individual. Out of the sand arises a figure dressed in a white turban and tunic. His skin is dark green and his eyes glow red. Mysterious figure: "Greetings! Why, may I ask, are you on my road?! Do you have a pass to the city? Identify yourselves." Vegeta, looking down at the sand slowly moves his eyes toward the demon to address him. Vegeta Jr: "And you are?" Mysterious Demon: "I am Kotai, the Guardian of the Road. If you don't have a pass then you are trespassing." Vegeta Jr: "Oh! No problem... we'll just..." Vegeta cuts his speech off and leaps forward turning Super Saiyan punching Kotai in the face. Vegeta Jr: "Now Goku!" Goku turns Super Saiyan and uses super speed to come down on top Kotai, but Kotai bursts into sand and the explosion tossing Goku and Vegeta away at a blazing speed. Goku and Vegeta recover quickly only to find themselves being chased by rushing torrents of sand. Kotai reforms himself from nearby sand. Kotai: "A trick huh? You'll pay for that! I'm here to keep you from getting to the city! And trust me, you won't get there!" Goku and Vegeta continue dodging the sand torrents. Goku Jr: "Vegeta! We need to end this!" Vegeta Jr: "Right!" Goku and Vegeta turn SSjin 2 and launch off outrunning the sand. Kotai makes even more sand torrents to rush them at Goku and Vegeta, but they are too fast. Suddenly, Goku and Vegeta close the gap between them and Kotai. But before they are able to attack him, Kotai explodes with energy blowing back Goku and Vegeta into the sand below. His aura is a green color and sand revolves around him. His mask has been blown off as well revealing his face, which is scarred badly. Kotai: "You thought you had me?! You have no chance! Come forth and face me!" Kotai moves all the sand below up into the air covering the sky with dust, sending Goku and Vegeta flying upward as well. Kotai: "Eradication!" The sand moves about in a rapid circulatory fashion cutting Goku and Vegeta up. After a small while Goku and Vegeta unleash energy blowing the sand off them, but it keeps coming at them. They are forced to move very quickly, dodging and maneuvering through all of it. Goku Jr: "Vegeta! Close in!" Vegeta does so without saying a word. Slowly but surely they close in on Kotai dodging his sand torrents in the process. Kotai: "What?! How are they anticipating the sand so quickly?!" Goku and Vegeta finally close in on Kotai from opposite sides. Vegeta kicks him just above the knee and Goku punches him in the face, sending him flying sideways in a circle-like manner. Kotai gains his composure, but in doing so he is met with an invasion of punches and kicks from both sides. He is taken by surprise and overwhelmed. Finally, Vegeta punches him the face hard, sending him flying sidewards. Goku disappears and flies down landing on Kotai sending him flying down to the sand floor. But having control of the sand, Kotai softens his fall. In the same note, he immediately gains composure, making sounds of frustration. Vegeta and Goku stand together once again, their auras joining each other making a golden sphere of lightning and thunder. Kotai: "You FOOLS!" Vegeta Jr: "Speak of your kind only when speaking of fools!" Kotai: "I will destroy you both!" Goku Jr: "Care to back your words up then?!" Kotai: "... You smug son of a... Try this on!" Kotai crosses his arms into an 'X' with the back of his hands facing forward, fingers spread apart. Suddenly, the ground starts to shake and his body glows green. Kotai: "This...is where you die..." Vegeta Jr: "Goku charge up ki in your fists and legs. He's a long range fighter. We have to get close like last time and finish this guy." Goku Jr: "Right. I get it." All the sand in the surrounding area comes in from behind Kotai forming sharp impaling objects and also the torrents of sand seen previously. Kotai: "I'll crush you Saiyans!" Vegeta Jr: "Must be this fools only technique! Alright Goku! Here we go!" Kotai: "Oblivion!" Kotai launches everything he has at Goku and Vegeta at the same time, controlling all with is mind. Goku and Vegeta have multiple torrents on them at the same time. They are however able to dodge them, using both super speed and maneuvering ability. Vegeta moves up to dodge a stream of sand only to be met with another from above. Seeing this he tries to move left but is closed in from that direction as well. Goku yells. Goku Jr: "Vegeta!" All streams of sand crash into Vegeta creating a grinding impact of rock and dust. Kotai uses this oppurtunity to hit Vegeta with everything he's got bombarding Vegeta into the bedrock below. Goku tries to get to Kotai but he blocks himself with a wall of sand which distracts Goku, giving Kotai the time he needs to slam Goku with the rest of the pursuing sand. Goku as well crashes into the rock below. As both are put down, the sand falls to the floor once again covering them. Kotai: "I knew they couldn't handle it." Kotai moves down to Vegeta's position, pulling him out of the sand. Vegeta is a bit damaged, but not too much. Kotai: "You'll die first you disrespectful scum!" Kotai notices that Vegeta's closed eyelids are glowing a little. Kotai: "What..." Vegeta opens his eyes with a yell shooting red beams out of his eyes straight into Kotai's eyes, blinding him. Kotai freaks out moving all around in pain. Goku arises out of the sand and lands behind Kotai. Vegeta walks forward with his fist by his side. Vegeta Jr: "Goku! Now!" Vegeta launches forward with his charged fist punching through Kotai's neck ripping his head off. Goku comes in from behind at the same time cutting Kotai's body in half with his ki-charged kick. Vegeta flies over Goku as they pass through Kotai, landing on opposite sides of where they started to attack. Kotai's body falls to the floor disappearing into dust. The wind picks up and blows his remains into the air. Vegeta Jr: "Screw with the juniors and you end up taking a dirt nap." Meanwhile, watching from the palace through sphere of energy: Demon God 2: "Impressive. They do have potential, but they won't get passed the gate." Demon God 1: "I wager they will." Demon God 2: "You can't be serious. He will rip them to shreds." Demon God 1: "Watch and see." Goku and Vegeta look at each other after defeating the Demon Kotai, Guardian of the Road, Master of the Sand. Goku Jr: "What now?" Vegeta Jr: "Now we keep following the road. We've got to keep moving." Goku Jr: "Don't you think we should take some of the recovery pills." Vegeta Jr: "Think for a second. We only have three of them. That means that one of us can only heal once. We'll take the road, recover what we can. It's not like he actually jacked us up. He only had us because of that sand. Up close he was a pathetic twerp. I bet all these demons suck at hand to hand combat." Goku Jr: "I think you're assuming a bit too much there Vegeta. But I agree that we should preserve our strength." Vegeta Jr: "Alright then, let's get moving." Goku and Vegeta continue to venture down the road. Several hours later, after dialogue, starving stomach's and being close to burning up from the heat, they finally arrive at a gate set inbetween a mountain pass leading to the great demon city. Vegeta Jr: "Goku, we should go up and over. We don't want these guys knowing exactly where we are. We should try to pass through undetected." Goku Jr: "Right. Let's go." Goku and Vegeta ascend up to the top of the gate [which was about a hundred feat tall, having large chains tied across the front and a demons face in the middle]. Expecting to simply pass over however Goku and Vegeta are met by a formidable looking warrior having two short blades and sheaths on his left hip, and a longer sword on his right which has stringed beads and bells hanging off the holt of the sword. His skin is light blue and his eyes are pink. A white cloak covers his head and body, and beneath it lies a gray and black sleaveless jacket. Around his waist is a blue sash over white baggy pants. Goku and Vegeta look up in awe as the wind blows the cloak to and fro about. Vegeta Jr: "[This guy looks like the real deal.]" Goku Jr: "[Another one! How many are we going to have to face?]" End of Chapter Six. Thanks for reading! I hope you liked this one. Edited by Wintergreen5000, Apr 13 2011, 12:34 AM.
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| Arkadom | Apr 12 2011, 07:18 PM Post #21 |
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Bargle nawdle zouss
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Sorry for no feedback,I was away for the week,anyway,its all good,very cool,9.5/10 for chapters 4-6 |
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In these eyes of mine Spoiler: click to toggle Epic for Copy_Ninja
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| lunar2 | Apr 12 2011, 07:51 PM Post #22 |
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yeah, i'm reading too, just haven't been commenting. |
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list of canon sources: the DB manga, and the Dr. Slump manga as it applies to the crossover during the rra saga. list of non canon sources: everything else, regardless of origin, format, or quality. for those that blindly follow word of god | |
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| Wintergreen5000 | Apr 13 2011, 12:33 AM Post #23 |
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WCZE
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Good, good. I was hoping you guys were still reading. Then I will indeed continue. Anything that stood out or that was lacking? |
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| lunar2 | Apr 13 2011, 05:16 AM Post #24 |
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might want to check your word choice. for example, i remember seeing unbeknownst, which according to google chrome spell check isn't even a word, lol, and thinking you used it backwards. |
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list of canon sources: the DB manga, and the Dr. Slump manga as it applies to the crossover during the rra saga. list of non canon sources: everything else, regardless of origin, format, or quality. for those that blindly follow word of god | |
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| Wintergreen5000 | Apr 13 2011, 06:13 AM Post #25 |
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WCZE
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I looked it up on dictionary.com and it says that it is actually a word. You can look it up there if you like. But beyond that there is nothing else, huh? Well, I will try to articulate a little better. That's for sure. |
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| lunar2 | Apr 13 2011, 01:25 PM Post #26 |
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i know it's a word. but it's archaic, so not many people use it or would recognize it if they saw it. |
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list of canon sources: the DB manga, and the Dr. Slump manga as it applies to the crossover during the rra saga. list of non canon sources: everything else, regardless of origin, format, or quality. for those that blindly follow word of god | |
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| ZeroDrawn | Apr 15 2011, 09:53 AM Post #27 |
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I want to preface my commentary by saying that I do not want to discourage you from writing in any way, shape, or form. If what you do is fun for you and you enjoy it, please never stop. But because you asked me for critique, it is what I'm going to give you to the best of my own ability. I am only one voice, and I welcome you to take or leave anything I say as you see fit. Fiction done in this script style is not something I prefer, and is something that writing education advises strongly against unless you are to be a playwright or somesuch. I think you're already aware of this, and I have no problem with how people choose to write for enjoyment, but in the vein of honesty I also wish to present my thoughts as they are and how much of a distraction this format is to me. The opening premise regarding the conversation between the demon gods is intriguing. It raises a number of questions, which curiosity just loves. Avoid repeating exclamation marks and question marks. It doesn't deliver the effect that people often intend - it comes off as silly. Goku Jr stares at Vegeta Jr with intensity, ready for round two. One of the most powerful things you can do in a story for immersion is knowing how important showing vs telling is. I want to see him stone-cold still, with narrowed eyes, clenched fists, sweat at his brow. He throws them with great ferocity. Another show vs tell. The way you describe battle scenes is exactly how I used to do it in times past. Sort of a step-by-step structure of drawing out every action in sequence. The problem is that this method is too slow to deliver the energy that fight scenes are supposed to have, and it never flows very well. What I ended up learning was brevity - keeping things at a fast pace, folding multiple actions into the shortness of a single sentence, breaking everything down into it's simplest form while still maintaining the spirit of the scene. You actually have some good visual descriptions, but they're dulled by word clutter. Things like how the discs obstructed Vegeta Jr's way - it is redundant and unnecessary to give us this information. His reaction (dodging them as he did) would tell us that without having to say it. "Due to the sheer force of the impact" is another one. The scene actually becomes more powerful if you let Goku's actions flow right into the destruction without trying to provide us with information we don't need to know or is already obvious anyways. Meanwhile, a lurking shadow-figure watches from afar off in secret. "off in secret" is another example. The fact that he is shadowy and lurking tells us that he is not meant to be seen. Near dusk, Goku Jr heads for his grandmother's gravesite, near a waterfall, a mile near Goku Sr's old house. This reads very stiffly, and I think that may be partly the fault of writing in the script-style. Suddenly, a black shadow moves out of the forest silently but with great speed. It draws it's long sword and attempts a silent charge from the air. Goku Jr senses something, but he doesn't know what it is. As he turns around, he reacts without pause, catching the five-foot-long blade inbetween the palms of his hands. I think you can achieve a kind of sudden jolt here if you dont tell us something comes out of the forest, but instead, just have Goku sense it and catch the sword. Referring to the demon as "Anonymous" in action description is weird. "The Demon" and "Demon" would serve the same purpose. Goku Jr is hit with a thunder bolt and a loud bang, blowing some of his clothes off and sending him flying through the forest, leaving him charred. This sentence is written well. " How'd you like that? ... Are you dead yet Saiyan? You shouldn't have underestimated me. I know you have more power in you then that. And guess what?" Anonymous moves to Goku Jr's ear. "So do I. Oh well, I guess the game is over. Time to look for your buddy." I noticed you lapsed out of the script style here. You demonstrate understanding of how written dialogue is supposed to work with how you have constructed this sentence (especially when you insert an action to break it up), so why do you bother with script in the first place? This is an honest question, I'm curious to know. Anonymous charges Vegeta with two ki blasts in his hands throwing them half-way from his initial starting point. Vegeta remains calm and smacks both of them away from himself use one hand for each blast simultaneously. Immediately afterwards he slams his hands together and yells, unleashing a massive blast towards Anonymous, but he dodges it, flipping upwards over it and employing a downwards kick onto Vegeta while upside down in mid-air. Vegeta blocks however, and the demon flips around facing Vegeta straight on. They engage in hand-to-hand combat, both landing blows on each other, but Vegeta starts to come out on top, sending the demon more and more backwards. finally, overwhelmed, the demon uses a kiai to blow Vegeta away from him, which is successful, but only for a moment, as Vegeta regains himself. At this instant, Anonymous shoots continuous eye beams at Vegeta, forcing him to continually move around. Vegeta keeps moving however and gradually comes closer and closer to Anonymous [sort of like how Gohan was supposed to gain ground on Piccolo during their training in the Saiyan saga, but way better]. finally, Vegeta is in Anonymous' personal space. Anonymous tries to throw a punch, but Vegeta spins around to the right and dodges it, then retaliating with his own barrage of punches, ending with a spanning back-fisted punch, forcing anonymous to the floor on one knee and arm. Anonymous looks up at Vegeta in pain, bleeding all over himself, but Vegeta remains ever so cool as he rains a down a final blow onto Anonymous sending him through the ground. ^ Don't ever allow a paragraph to get that big. Find an opportunity to break it up. The reading mind will get tired or frustrated by things like this, as it is too much jammed into a single space. and the area quickly exploded. Take away quickly; do you notice how the effect becomes more potent without it? Anonymous: "You haven't defeated me yet but I suppose you've merited some information. After all, you will still die. You should at least know the truth before it happens. Long ago my kind created you Saiyans to wreak havoc and cause destruction across the universe. It worked for some while, although, the last remaining of you turned to the side of good, and started to undo our plans for the destruction of your universe. You see, there is more than just one. We have our own plane, and you have yours. But we are in direct competition. We planted you here so you could take the competition out for us. My masters sent me here to kill the last remaining of the Saiyans. Even ones as convuluted as you still possess dominate enough genes to tap into your hidden power, the potential of which was laid within each one of you. Although, not even we knew how powerful you may become. Our plan would've probably backfired anyway. Who knows, your race might've wised up and eventually found us... But do you see? You are a failed plan. We let you live long enough!" ^ This is more than just a paragraph issue. Dialogue needs action to break it up and create rhythm. Without showing us what the character is doing while talking, you get the talking-heads effect, as if the character is going on a monologue while remaining completely still. It is funny to picture, but a bad thing to happen in a story. You called the Demon Anonymous once after he revealed who he was, which made me think that he was referring to someone else when he spoke of Baku. Little things like this can completely change how something in a story is interpreted. The sun is blocked by the skies, which are blackened with smoke from the battle. could be rewritten as "The smoke-blackened skies blocked the sun." This is to reinforce the idea of removing word clutter, telling us what we need to know in as few words as possible. Vegeta Jr proceeds through the security check-in station, past the open terrarium and into the medical center. You told us exactly what we needed to know. Short, sweet, simple. Good. I'm halting the commentary here. What I've spoken on thusfar holds true to the rest of the story. The script-style is by far the most detrimental factor, especially those scenes which are almost nothing but dialogue. It distracts me so much that I can't absorb the story - in a way, I've lost the ability to ignore things like this because of how important writing guidelines are to me. Would you ever consider breaking from this format? I can totally, absolutely, and completely understand if you just want to write however you do for the fun of it - I'm so totally not here to get in the way of that, and I encourage you to keep writing no matter what anyone says. But if you want to take writing seriously, the script format will never work. |
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The fate of his home, the Earth, and the very universe itself rested upon the child's shoulders. As the cold gaze of darkness began to swallow him up and his strength began to drain away...he heard his father's words. Nows. Your. Chance. So many times the hidden power of this quiet, gentle boy rose up and gave him the courage to defend what he loved. Now, he called upon it one final time, and found a strength that was far greater than any before. With it... Gohan saved the world. | |
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| lunar2 | Apr 15 2011, 01:13 PM Post #28 |
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as for script style, it works better in some cases. it's easier to read because you walls of text. |
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list of canon sources: the DB manga, and the Dr. Slump manga as it applies to the crossover during the rra saga. list of non canon sources: everything else, regardless of origin, format, or quality. for those that blindly follow word of god | |
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| ZeroDrawn | Apr 16 2011, 02:39 AM Post #29 |
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It's totally cool if people enjoy reading and writing in this style, I have no issue with that at all and wholeheartedly encourage anyone to do whatever they find fun. But I can only be honest when asked for my opinion, and in terms of both my reading tastes and writing background, it is not a style that appeals to me. |
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The fate of his home, the Earth, and the very universe itself rested upon the child's shoulders. As the cold gaze of darkness began to swallow him up and his strength began to drain away...he heard his father's words. Nows. Your. Chance. So many times the hidden power of this quiet, gentle boy rose up and gave him the courage to defend what he loved. Now, he called upon it one final time, and found a strength that was far greater than any before. With it... Gohan saved the world. | |
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| Pookie | Apr 25 2011, 10:24 PM Post #30 |
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Pookie Powa!
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I've never written a Fanfic, and I have always wanted to write one. I think I will once I have time. I think I'll take Zero's advice when I do make one. I like this story! It is great how you thought of creating a story with Goku jr. and Vegeta jr. I like the fight scenes. I hope you decide to make the next chapter. I'm taking my time with reading everyone's fanfics. |
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