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| Rising from the Ashes; My salvation? | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 22 2010, 07:07 AM (319 Views) | |
| Sam | Aug 22 2010, 07:07 AM Post #1 |
It takes a mere second for treasure to turn to trash.
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Please note: I hate to be a hypocrite, but, I know the stuff I'm about to write is probably not suitable for the general forum audience, at least, some of it. So, at the very least, since I do wish for some people to see this besides staff, I'm just going to put a disclaimer. If you are not emotionally strong or of a decent age [14+] please do not read this post. --------------------------------------- The days came to a close. I thought about it a lot. I really did. I mean, I didn't think I would ever do it. I flipped a coin twice, though. Three times total in my life. I always picked tails for yes, and heads for no. I don't know why I picked heads for no. I think I always subconsciously knew heads always landed up as 'no'. I always wanted to hold onto hope. I speak, of course, of suicide. They say to a flip a coin, not to get a 50/50 chance on a decision, but, just to know what you really wanted. I've always been sorta torn. I mean, when I flipped the coin, I always was standing near a body of water. It was like a "do I drown myself or not" sort of thing. To be honest, I've always been afraid of bodies of water, so, even if it came up 'yes', I would have walked away anyway. I was just pissed, I would never have gone through with it, even if it was tails. Whatever made me feel this way, you're probably asking? My father. And women. My father walked out on our family when I was three. I remember it vividly. It was my first memory. I sort of detailed it all here in my post. That pretty much sums it up. I flipped a coin a few months ago, and then a year ago, and then about five or six years ago. Around when I first joined here. For awhile, I wondered why I was like this. Why, despite everything I did, I always ended up lonely. Despite all the help I tried to give girls and all the weight I lost - partially to please my father - did nothing. Why changing myself, why trying to help, was such a dismal failure. I hated myself. Nothing I could do was ever good enough. I was always paranoid of people. Paranoid that they didn't really like me. That they had ulterior motives. I suppose, I'm still a little cautious, but, I never could really amount to any of my expectations - I was always 'just friends' or my dad was always 'too busy' or some bull*****. It made sense to me that it wasn't my fault, but, really, was it really my fault? The fact that I even questioned it was devastating enough. Finally, it all came to a climax a few days ago. I told this girl I think I was falling for her. We go pretty far back. She had pretty much everything I had desired in a girl, she was deeply troubled emotionally. She had one of the worst backstories I had ever heard. I didn't pick her out because of this, I'm not some sort of emotional preying fiend, I really didn't know. It was all a really idiotic situation, but, she obviously turned me down. At first, I felt this intense throbbing in my chest. That was it. I would have to get used to this feeling. I always tried to make it work with people. I always tried to be better for someone else. I walked outside in the rain, the dancing sky crying with me. I walked around outside. It getting worse and worse. I had always been the one to follow my heart, yet, use my brain to solve others' problems. I always was the one who felt like a failure while everyone else succeeded, but, why exactly? What made me so different? I would think about all the couples I knew. And I finally had an epiphany, I finally understood something about myself. I was unlovable. And it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. So far, it had been true. You're reading this and are like "WTF? Oh god. He's insane, or just being a baby." But, really, nobody has proved me wrong. I mean, family love is one thing, but, I realized the way I am: I am unlovable. I will always be unlovable if I stay where I am. I always tried to break off into my own path. I tried to change who I was, trying to defy the obvious road set before me. This lead to massive weight gain, eventual weight loss, low-self esteem, video game addiction, self-loathing, lack of sleep, just off the top of my head. It didn't work. It wasn't working. I realized instead of trying to be better for everyone else, I needed to be better for myself. This was just a few days ago, relatively recent. I've sort of made a dedication to get better grades in school and train/weight lift a lot more. I no longer sit alone at night, wondering "why me?" I honestly do not care anymore. I've hardened a bit. I was always the nail that stuck up and got hammered down. I was always the sensitive one that got hurt. I was sick of being that. I am an utter genius. A complete victory in my own right. I sought the reason my entire life, so far, and I found it. I mean, instead of wondering how I can change myself for someone else... I needed to change me for me! I don't know if this will bring me love, but, I do know it will bring me happiness. I'm hardened right now anyway, so, there are either two scenarios: I'm right, I don't find love, but, at least, I'll find some sort of happiness and confidence. I'm wrong, I find love, and I'm even happier than if I'm right. Either way, I win. Brilliant, if I do say so myself? As I realized this, the tears slowed. The rain did too, it was kind of poetic. The throbbing became dull, I became calm. Only residual feelings remain. To make sure my thinking is fool-proof and to hopefully, maybe, help somebody else, somehow? I wanted to post this up here. I am the type of person that writes these things down when they're not sure. But, instead of putting it in my sparsely written-in journal (I write in it a LOT when I do, but, at very random days, not every day or once a week, just whenever I feel like it) I would put it here. I don't feel comfortable hitting my friends with all of this yet, so, DBZF was my next best option. I would truly appreciate your comments on my little story and method of problem solving. Perhaps, I will be disappointed. But, at least, I finally am done trying the same thing over and over. I am excited at a new prospect. Here's what my friend told me: "you found what is good for you now, but, its hard being an island sam, you will find that." I thought about it a bit, but, I don't know if he's right or if he did not understand my full story. That's part of the confusion. That's why I post it here. Thank you for your time and I appreciate your thoughts, Necifix/Sam |
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WoW Legion Ending - Thank you Darker for making this into one, big incredible gif! <3 | |
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| * -Zero- | Aug 22 2010, 07:29 AM Post #2 |
Black Knight
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I'm pretty speechless, most of what yous said there, is exactly the same as I feel, I just have a much harder time, writing it down, expressing them. Most likely because I try to build a shell and hide all those emotions. Of course there are times where I let out as I have done in the past |
 Thanks to Kid Buu for the sig! The story where DBZF Members are the characters! DBZF:The Unknown Conspiracy POSITIVE ZERO PRODUCTIONS ZeroGuild Forum! | |
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| + Pelador | Aug 22 2010, 03:04 PM Post #3 |
Crazy Awesome Legend
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I completely understand about how you felt when the girl turned you down. I can still feel that pain to this day. It hurts knowing that I have no chance and she's gonna have a kid with someone who isn't me one day and I'll never see her again. But feeling pain is a good thing. If I stopped feeling anything then that would be a bad sign. It's my feelings that keep me from doing stupid things and making my life worse. |
 http://www.youtube.com/user/jonjits | |
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| * -Zero- | Aug 23 2010, 12:36 AM Post #4 |
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Black Knight
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There are things that no matter how much I try to build a shell to hide them, that just can't go away, eventually the shell will break and everything will come out. I can see you're much stronger than I am, and that's good, I'm happy for you |
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Thanks to Kid Buu for the sig! The story where DBZF Members are the characters! DBZF:The Unknown Conspiracy POSITIVE ZERO PRODUCTIONS ZeroGuild Forum! | |
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| + Pelador | Aug 23 2010, 01:49 AM Post #5 |
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Crazy Awesome Legend
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Shells are only good for soft animals. We are human, we must vent once and a while. |
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http://www.youtube.com/user/jonjits | |
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| Sam | Aug 30 2010, 04:43 AM Post #6 |
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It takes a mere second for treasure to turn to trash.
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This was more of a learning experience for me, not really a depressed note. |
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WoW Legion Ending - Thank you Darker for making this into one, big incredible gif! <3 | |
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