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| My first try at writing; Fantasy story | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 2 2010, 02:00 PM (269 Views) | |
| * Lord Cooler | Jan 2 2010, 02:00 PM Post #1 |
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Lord of the Ice-Jins
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This is a story i have started but haven't worked on for a while. The question marks are where i can't think of names and any help in that department would be nice its probably not very good and it probably isn't much of a story yet but more of an introduction, setting up the story and the characters and races. Anyway i'm hoping someone will give opinions both good and bad because i'm only learning.(???) woke from his dream covered in sweet and shaking, the same dream he’s had every night for the last 4 years since his 13th birthday, the dream shows a young man in a magnificent set of armour sitting on top a mighty red dragon facing a black dragon which is at least 2 times the size of the red dragon, on top of the black dragon is another young man who he can never seem to make out there identity. The man wears black armour that has blood stains all over it, the man on the red dragon draws a sword and yells this is for all the innocent lives you’ve taken, the mysterious figure draws his sword and they’re dragons roar and fly at each other and that’s where it ends every night. (???) gets out of bed and walks into the bathroom and stares into the mirror, tomorrow is his 18th birthday and the day where he is to undergo the strength and valour test. This test is compulsory to every male who comes of age. Females are also allowed to undergo the test if they choose. The test is done to test your strength, agility and endurance to see which warrior rank u are worthy of. There are 3 ranks, there’s the normal foot soldier rank which consists of swordsman, spears man and archers. The cavalry rank. And the most talented warriors who prove themselves worthy are chosen to be dragon riders, which is a big honour among all who live in (???). There are 3 major capitols in (????), and each has its own mystical creature that it thinks is far superior to every other mystical creature. The names of the capitols are (???) where (???) lives and whose mystical creature is the dragon. Then there’s (???) whose mystical creature is the (???), it looks something like a tiger but is twice the size and has distinct features like extra long fangs which grow and shrink at will, on the end of the tail is a large spike which it uses to swipe at its prey with uncanny accuracy making it deadly to attack this creature from the back as well as the front, on both sides of this creature there is a pouch that produces electricity that it uses to shoot powerful bolts of electricity at its prey with. The third capitol is called (???) and its mystical creature is the (???) which is a sea creature that looks similar to a loch ness monster but has distinct features like a large cannon attached to each side of it that it uses to shoot strong beams of ice with, it can also shoot a strong blast of water out of its mouth if it chooses to, on each of its fins it has a retractable spike that it uses to strike prey with. Edited by Lord Cooler, Jan 4 2010, 08:12 AM.
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![]() Thanks to + Rebel X for the awesome sig above. ![]() Thanks to Anonymous23 (Ana) for the awesome sig above. Don't forget to participate in the Dragon Ball Rewatch! Lord Cooler - I am the supreme master of this universe. I am the great destroyer, the taker of life. I kill when I want, the weak die and the strong survive. Saiyan insect, prepare to be squashed. | |
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| * Lord Cooler | Jan 4 2010, 08:14 AM Post #2 |
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Lord of the Ice-Jins
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Bump because i want some opinions haha |
![]() Thanks to + Rebel X for the awesome sig above. ![]() Thanks to Anonymous23 (Ana) for the awesome sig above. Don't forget to participate in the Dragon Ball Rewatch! Lord Cooler - I am the supreme master of this universe. I am the great destroyer, the taker of life. I kill when I want, the weak die and the strong survive. Saiyan insect, prepare to be squashed. | |
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| * Mitas | Jan 4 2010, 12:57 PM Post #3 |
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It truly was a Shawshank redemption
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Good opening. The main problem I had with it was that you over-use commas. There are plenty of occasions where a full stop would be more gramatically correct. Also when you're describing things such as the dream and the creatures, it doesn't flow well. It's quite stuttery, but you'll get better as you write more. But it's an interesting story-line and I'll definately be reading your next installment. If you really can't think of names there are various random generators on the internet. Just google 'Random Name Generator' or 'Random Place Name Generator' or whatever you need. Just remembered a site: http://www.seventhsanctum.com/index-name.php. Edited by Mitas, Jan 4 2010, 12:58 PM.
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"Then you've got the chance to do better next time." "Next time?" "Course. Doing better next time. That's what life is." | |
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| * Lord Cooler | Jan 4 2010, 01:27 PM Post #4 |
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Lord of the Ice-Jins
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Thanks Mitas, someone finally commented . Yeah i have always been bad when it comes to commas and full stops and i am trying to improve on that.
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![]() Thanks to + Rebel X for the awesome sig above. ![]() Thanks to Anonymous23 (Ana) for the awesome sig above. Don't forget to participate in the Dragon Ball Rewatch! Lord Cooler - I am the supreme master of this universe. I am the great destroyer, the taker of life. I kill when I want, the weak die and the strong survive. Saiyan insect, prepare to be squashed. | |
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| Pookie | Jan 4 2010, 09:39 PM Post #5 |
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Pookie Powa!
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I have to agree with Mitas. There are some spots where you need commas that you don't have them, and then there are too many commas in certain areas. You always put a comma before "but" and always put a comma when you use words like Since, When, After, and If in the beginning. For example," After I took a nap, I was rested." Then the only time you use a comma with, "and" is when the next part is a complete sentence. For instance, "There were many men, and they were all handsome." You see how it separates two sentences? Well that's when you use a comma. Oh and you use a comma when you're listing things like this; I like eating apples, bananas, and peaches. If you got any questions, I can help you out. Also, you should try separating your new ideas into new paragraphs. When you have a set of new ideas, they got into a new paragraph. I think that's what you need help with, but don't worry I've seen a lot worse. Other than that, nice intro. I'll be reading your next segments to see how you improved.
Edited by Pookie, Jan 4 2010, 09:41 PM.
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| * Lord Cooler | Feb 22 2010, 01:27 PM Post #6 |
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Lord of the Ice-Jins
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I have finally edited my story to fix some grammar and i have also changed some things. I have come up with names for most of the stuff now but i can't think of a couple just yet. Now that i have the start just the way i want it i'm finally going to continue the story. I'm also hoping to find someone to draw up some rough sketches of the creatures i have made up which would help me a lot but i have no idea where i would find someone who would do that lol. Anyway enjoy Maxim woke from his dream covered in sweet and shaking, the same dream he’s had every night for the last 4 years since his 13th birthday. The dream is of a person in a magnificent set of armour sitting on top of a mighty red dragon. Standing across from him is another person sitting on top of a black dragon like creature. The person on the black creature wears black armour covered in what appear to be blood stains, the person on the red dragon, however, draws a sword while yelling “this is for all the innocent lives you’ve taken”. The other person draws his sword while uttering something that i can never make out. The two creatures roar and then soar at each other. That’s where it ends every night. Maxim gets out of bed and walks into the bathroom and stares into the mirror. Tomorrow is his 18th birthday and the day where he is to undergo the strength and valour test. This test is compulsory to every male who comes of age. Females are also allowed to undergo the test if they choose to do so. The test is done to test strength, agility and endurance to see which warrior rank you are worthy of. There are 3 ranks, the normal foot soldier rank which consists of swordsman, spearmen and archers. The cavalry rank which consists of horseman and Knights. And lastly the most talented warriors who prove themselves worthy are chosen to be dragon riders, which is a big honour among all who live in Parinthia. Of the three major kingdoms in Arkentopia, each has its own mystical creature that it thinks is far superior to every other mystical creature. The first Kingdom Parinthia, where Maxim lives, has a mystical creature in that of the dragon. In Northrin their mystical creature is the (???), a large cat like animal greater than the size of a man with distinct features such as extra long fangs with the ability to grow and shrink at will. On the end of its long tail is a large spike which it uses to swipe at its prey with uncanny accuracy making it deadly to attack this creature from both the back and front. On both sides of this creature there is a pouch that generates electricity that it uses to shoot powerful thunder bolts of at its prey with. The third Kingdom is called Maridiga and its mystical creature is the (???) which is a amphibious creature that has distinct features like a small cannon attached to each side of it that it uses to shoot strong beams of ice with, it can also shoot a strong blast of water out of its mouth if it chooses to. They have fin like appendages on their arms and legs that allow them to swim in water at amazingly fast speeds. Edited by Lord Cooler, Feb 22 2010, 01:35 PM.
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![]() Thanks to + Rebel X for the awesome sig above. ![]() Thanks to Anonymous23 (Ana) for the awesome sig above. Don't forget to participate in the Dragon Ball Rewatch! Lord Cooler - I am the supreme master of this universe. I am the great destroyer, the taker of life. I kill when I want, the weak die and the strong survive. Saiyan insect, prepare to be squashed. | |
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4:54 PM Jul 13
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its probably not very good
and it probably isn't much of a story yet but more of an introduction, setting up the story and the characters and races. Anyway i'm hoping someone will give opinions both good and bad because i'm only learning.









4:54 PM Jul 13