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| In Between Dreams | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 3 2009, 10:31 PM (314 Views) | |
| + Byakko | Dec 3 2009, 10:31 PM Post #1 |
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I once gave a Kangaroo a heart-attack just by staring at it
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Taking a break from some (REALLY) boring homework, I decided to write this. Edit: I guess I should point out that it's in a kind of Jack Johnson/ Jason Mraz style I'm making the cut The world's turning round Is it enough? Don't make a sound...because, I'm in between dreams My fingers will freeze No stopping to breathe We'll hit the extremes Needless to say, I'm living free, We'll have our own way, You need to believe I'm in between dreams Weak at the knees Caught in the seams, like Trees in the breeze In between dreams, are you getting the theme? Are we relieved, When we're in between dreams? Edited by Byakko, Dec 3 2009, 10:49 PM.
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GFX Portfolio Tumblr DeviantArt ![]() Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'" | |
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| Maikeru | Dec 3 2009, 10:39 PM Post #2 |
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like it... well thought out |
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| * Mitas | Dec 3 2009, 10:41 PM Post #3 |
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It truly was a Shawshank redemption
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I'm not a fan of the two line breaks ("because..." and "that we're..."). The 2nd one doesn't really make sense and they sort of break the flow. However I can see why you did it, just a personal opinion. Also the opening line doesn't do it for me. It doesn't really connect with the rest of the stanza. Also what does the "fingers will freeze" line mean? What is the person doing when his/her fingers are freezing? I just can't put an image to it that fits with the poem. I like it though. It does have a 'dreamy' feel to it, sort of spiritual. The recurring "ee" sound throughout the poem creates a good flow, which pairs well with the 'dream-world' theme. |
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"Then you've got the chance to do better next time." "Next time?" "Course. Doing better next time. That's what life is." | |
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| + Byakko | Dec 3 2009, 10:55 PM Post #4 |
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I once gave a Kangaroo a heart-attack just by staring at it
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Ach, I'd originally intended the last two stanzas to be reversed, which would've made the lead-in sound right, but I decided against it and forgot to change it, mah bad. My hands are always cold, I mean CONSTANTLY. It's worse when I'm really anticipating something, or I'm really nervous. Or if the room is just really cold, but that's beside the point it's more of a personal line than an interpretive one, if that makes any sense.Thanks for the comments, both to you and Maikeru (Another name-bro ), I always love getting comments ![]() |
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GFX Portfolio Tumblr DeviantArt ![]() Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'" | |
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| Strawberry | Dec 3 2009, 11:58 PM Post #5 |
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Chiaroscuro ♥
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I can totally imagine an acoustic song in my head to this piece. I honestly think you did really good, I hate perfect poems, I feel like some rough words or rythms here and there can give a lot of charm and personality to a poem. Really good message too. Keep up the good work.
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![]() ![]() ♪ ♥ ♫ Across The Universe
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4:43 PM Jul 13
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it's more of a personal line than an interpretive one, if that makes any sense.
), I always love getting comments 








4:43 PM Jul 13