| We hope you enjoy your visit to this forum. If you are reading this then it means you are currently browsing the forum as a guest, we don’t limit any of the content posted from guests however if you join, you will have the ability to join the discussions! We are always happy to see new faces at this forum and we would like to hear your opinion, so why not register now? It doesn’t take long and you can get posting right away. Click here to Register! If you are having difficulties validating your account please email us at admin@dbzf.co.uk If you're already a member please log in to your account: |
| A hug | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 28 2009, 07:43 PM (550 Views) | |
| + Rebel X | Nov 28 2009, 07:43 PM Post #1 |
![]() ![]()
|
Parties Over, Here she comes again Another friendly hug to give away. Doesn't she realize what it does to me. A foot away now, here it comes Closed eyes, Her hair smells of lavender Like the mountain tops I climb towards The coat soft, with a touch of burning warmth Like the fire in my heart through a cold winters wind We embraced, I had reached the top of the mountain, Top of the world, breathing in cool bliss and harmony The warm breeze was soothing, endless beauty made me speechless Her arms tightened, I smiled and made mine do the same The mountain turned into a house of security and love A piece of heaven on earth filled my body and mind I felt a lovers love and a comfort in growing old. She loosened, A shock of jolting pain hit me like a soul decaying virus The house went into flames, mountain became a treacherous cliff Underneath, a sea of lava with the tides rises every second and waves of magma hitting the edge. Fumes intoxicating the air started to suffocate me Arms dropped, I opened my eyes. I turn so she can't see the tear that ripped out. Knees shaking, back turned. I walked away breathing heavy, holding the misery. Collapsing in the seat of my car I shivered and fluttered. I stayed in the car watching her go. Trembling in the cold and fear I shivered till I sobered from this drug that is Love, that is her. How long should a hug really last? |
![]() | |
![]() |
|
| * Sousen Ichimonji | Nov 28 2009, 11:42 PM Post #2 |
|
You are calm and reposed, let your beauty unfold
![]()
|
Wow. That's really sweet. I like the structure as well, for some reason it actually looks really melancholy. |
![]() Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget | |
![]() |
|
| + Rebel X | Nov 30 2009, 06:50 PM Post #3 |
![]() ![]()
|
Thanks Sousen, I appreciate the thoughts man. |
![]() | |
![]() |
|
| * Light | Nov 30 2009, 07:29 PM Post #4 |
![]()
Yo
![]()
|
I really like the verse layout, how it begins with a small sentence. really helps it flow imo. |
![]()
| |
![]() |
|
| Tim | Nov 30 2009, 09:40 PM Post #5 |
![]()
Forum Royalty
![]()
|
Wow, I thought that was great. I agree with what light said about the structure of the stanza's. The way the lines change in length going down each stanza is something I haven't seen before (or at least can't recall it) and I think it works really well here. Great subject choice though =D ~Tim |
![]() ![]()
| |
![]() |
|
| + Rebel X | Dec 1 2009, 10:45 AM Post #6 |
![]() ![]()
|
Thanks guys I enjoy making the structure of the poem. I remember Edgar Allan Poe poem The Raven being in somewhat a similar stanzas but the first sentence of mine you be like the last but I just thought of that while looking at it outside the words. Timmooo, I'm thankful you mentioned the subject of the poem because that is something I really want criticism about even if it's a really bad poem. I wanna know that what I'm writing isn't garbage and it actually says something. |
![]() | |
![]() |
|
| * Sousen Ichimonji | Dec 1 2009, 12:56 PM Post #7 |
|
You are calm and reposed, let your beauty unfold
![]()
|
Well, it's certainly saying something. For such a simple subject matter, you really manage to encaptulate a lot of emotion in the poem. Having a stanza about the feelings at each part of the hug really gives you that opportunity, I suppose
|
![]() Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget | |
![]() |
|
| + Rebel X | Dec 9 2009, 01:39 AM Post #8 |
![]() ![]()
|
Thanks man, means a lot. I'm glad I can still have emotion in the poem and make it have good structure. |
![]() | |
![]() |
|
| Tim | Dec 9 2009, 02:12 AM Post #9 |
![]()
Forum Royalty
![]()
|
As far as your poems go that i've read so far the subject choice seems very fitting. You manage to make it work really well and I don't know if it's just me but the way I read it pulls out those feeling in me too though it could just be with how i'm feeling right now :P Out of interest, and you don't have to answer this, but why did you start writing poetry?? Did you have any particular inspiration for it?? Did it just come to you?? Or did you sit down intending to write a poem?? ~Tim |
![]() ![]()
| |
![]() |
|
| + Rebel X | Dec 11 2009, 01:44 PM Post #10 |
![]() ![]()
|
Timmooo, you're amazing man. Uhm I don't really reveal what the inspirations or anything on why I write it, mainly because I guess I have no answer. I think I told Light a long time ago that I try to take the persons perspective and view point in a situation and try to get the readers to understand what the poems and feelings are about. I think I discovered that I wanted to get into poetry was when I was in the 5th grade elementary school where we were supposed to come up with a poem about something. I guess I must've been 10ish and i wrote a poem (it's lost now T_T) It was about my family and my teacher and others loved it so much. She told me it was a gift I should never lose. maybe I have maybe not I'm not sure. I do love poetry though. Every poem is different but I think I've made them all related to each other pretty well in my own schemes of things. I won't reveal much about my poetry but I can say that not all are the same in how they come to me. Some I can write in a mater of one sitting, one hour of thought, one simple purpose. Other times it requires more and sometimes it's still not enough. I have maybe hundreds of incompletes that I wanna try to reacquire but sometimes when I lose that purpose the entire poem just isn't good enough. I hope this helped Timmooo and made sense. I know it's not everything you were looking for. I think you've told the public more about me than you think. (which is great lol) |
![]() | |
![]() |
|
| + Rebel X | Oct 28 2010, 02:53 AM Post #11 |
![]() ![]()
|
I think I will start bumping some of my older poems because we have new active members and I'd like there opinions too. Unless the staff has an issue then I can just re-post the topics So Please, for those that haven't, feel free to comment!
|
![]() | |
![]() |
|
| 0 users reading this topic | |
| « Previous Topic · Writing and Videos · Next Topic » |
| Track Topic · E-mail Topic |
4:52 PM Jul 13
|
Theme Designed by McKee91
Powered by ZetaBoards Premium · Privacy Policy




















4:52 PM Jul 13