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Come See The Lights
Topic Started: Nov 27 2009, 09:36 PM (430 Views)
+ Byakko
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I once gave a Kangaroo a heart-attack just by staring at it

I went to the place
Where the trees shine with stars
Where the Music plays
Where our souls lack scars

But where were you,
when that woefully happy tune
Came crashing down, spinning around
And even lit up the moon?

Amy, come see the lights
That shine through the night
And give such delight
That sends me to insanity
Edited by Byakko, Nov 28 2009, 12:03 AM.
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Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'"
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* Mitas
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It truly was a Shawshank redemption

I'm not feeling much flow to the song. It might be the lack of a rhyming scheme, or any techniques (alliteration, assonance etc) to be honest. There are areas where it does start to flow well, but then it stutters again. I do like theidea though, it's a good theme and there's some potential in there, just needs a little work.
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"Then you've got the chance to do better next time."
"Next time?"
"Course. Doing better next time. That's what life is."
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+ Byakko
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I once gave a Kangaroo a heart-attack just by staring at it

Alright dude, thanks, what do you think of it now?
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Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'"
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Strawberry
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Chiaroscuro ♥

I loved it! It's so sweet that this was inspired by the christmas lights...
Good job.

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♪ ♥ ♫
Across The Universe
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Tim
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I think that sounds really cool, at least in my head, and I like how it flows on nicely.

Great job :) Rep point +1

~Tim
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* Mitas
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It truly was a Shawshank redemption

That's much better man. I love the first stanza, beautifully written. I also love the last stanza where 'insanity' doesn't follow the rhyme scheme. Awesome job.
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"Then you've got the chance to do better next time."
"Next time?"
"Course. Doing better next time. That's what life is."
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+ Rebel X
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This is pretty sweet & simple, inspired by an even brighter subject. Nice Job mike.

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