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| Come See The Lights | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 27 2009, 09:36 PM (430 Views) | |
| + Byakko | Nov 27 2009, 09:36 PM Post #1 |
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I once gave a Kangaroo a heart-attack just by staring at it
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I went to the place Where the trees shine with stars Where the Music plays Where our souls lack scars But where were you, when that woefully happy tune Came crashing down, spinning around And even lit up the moon? Amy, come see the lights That shine through the night And give such delight That sends me to insanity Edited by Byakko, Nov 28 2009, 12:03 AM.
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GFX Portfolio Tumblr DeviantArt ![]() Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'" | |
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| * Mitas | Nov 27 2009, 11:37 PM Post #2 |
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It truly was a Shawshank redemption
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I'm not feeling much flow to the song. It might be the lack of a rhyming scheme, or any techniques (alliteration, assonance etc) to be honest. There are areas where it does start to flow well, but then it stutters again. I do like theidea though, it's a good theme and there's some potential in there, just needs a little work. |
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"Then you've got the chance to do better next time." "Next time?" "Course. Doing better next time. That's what life is." | |
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| + Byakko | Nov 28 2009, 12:03 AM Post #3 |
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I once gave a Kangaroo a heart-attack just by staring at it
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Alright dude, thanks, what do you think of it now? |
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GFX Portfolio Tumblr DeviantArt ![]() Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'" | |
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| Strawberry | Nov 28 2009, 02:17 AM Post #4 |
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Chiaroscuro ♥
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I loved it! It's so sweet that this was inspired by the christmas lights... Good job. |
![]() ![]() ♪ ♥ ♫ Across The Universe
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| Tim | Nov 28 2009, 10:36 AM Post #5 |
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Forum Royalty
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I think that sounds really cool, at least in my head, and I like how it flows on nicely. Great job Rep point +1~Tim |
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| * Mitas | Nov 28 2009, 11:57 AM Post #6 |
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It truly was a Shawshank redemption
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That's much better man. I love the first stanza, beautifully written. I also love the last stanza where 'insanity' doesn't follow the rhyme scheme. Awesome job. |
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"Then you've got the chance to do better next time." "Next time?" "Course. Doing better next time. That's what life is." | |
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| + Rebel X | Nov 28 2009, 07:28 PM Post #7 |
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This is pretty sweet & simple, inspired by an even brighter subject. Nice Job mike. |
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4:43 PM Jul 13
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Rep point +1





4:43 PM Jul 13