| We hope you enjoy your visit to this forum. If you are reading this then it means you are currently browsing the forum as a guest, we don’t limit any of the content posted from guests however if you join, you will have the ability to join the discussions! We are always happy to see new faces at this forum and we would like to hear your opinion, so why not register now? It doesn’t take long and you can get posting right away. Click here to Register! If you are having difficulties validating your account please email us at admin@dbzf.co.uk If you're already a member please log in to your account: |
| The World and Love | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 20 2009, 11:26 PM (320 Views) | |
| + Rebel X | Nov 20 2009, 11:26 PM Post #1 |
![]() ![]()
|
She was in college, age twenty-two Didn’t have the experience to know what to do She couldn’t pick any major of worth. She had the passion and stride to go forth. A boy in the same boat, age twenty-two Met the girl and had nothing better to do. So later they got married and went from single to two. Both moved away in silence but left with an empty path too. She learned more science as he learned more design. Love brought them together and made the bond pure. No matter the obstacle, they would live together in bliss. Society would no longer chain them down but bring ecstasy. An epiphany occurred; they would create the idea to save the world Spreading the word, they worked like dogs, long nights and hard days. Day of divulgence came and so did the proud people. Presidents, politicians, pagans, puritans, preeminent, and poor came. Little did they know she was an assassin He was cold-blooded, but they both loved. People said they were brainiacs But turns out they were pyromaniacs The world burned with Love that night. She and He burned holding hands and loving one another. Please, I'd really like and appreciate some critical criticism or comments. Edited by Rebel X, Nov 21 2009, 02:56 AM.
|
![]() | |
![]() |
|
| Strawberry | Nov 21 2009, 08:27 PM Post #2 |
![]()
Chiaroscuro ♥
![]()
|
This piece is very interesting, Rebel. I particularly liked the last part, it gave a dramatic twist to the story. I'd say the first verses describing their backgrounds were a bit too literal though, which took away the potential poetic vibe of the story. But like I said before, the message is really interesting and it works out nicely in the end. Nice job.
|
![]() ![]() ♪ ♥ ♫ Across The Universe
| |
![]() |
|
| * Light | Nov 22 2009, 12:15 AM Post #3 |
![]()
Yo
![]()
|
Really great piece, I think the narrative is told well, the way they were 'randomly' bought together and that out of boredom became a strong bond. Only for that to be dashed by the ending which was a cool twist. |
![]()
| |
![]() |
|
| * Mitas | Nov 22 2009, 12:29 AM Post #4 |
![]()
It truly was a Shawshank redemption
![]()
|
I agree with Kris that the meeting section is a little less poetic than the latter parts of the poem. However it is a great piece, well written and an interesting theme. |
|
"Then you've got the chance to do better next time." "Next time?" "Course. Doing better next time. That's what life is." | |
![]() |
|
| + Rebel X | Nov 22 2009, 06:41 AM Post #5 |
![]() ![]()
|
Kris, thank you thank you so much for commenting and you are so right! I think this piece started out as some sort of weak but literal rap and turned into a poem which is what I wanted. i can see how it looked like total noob work. I had so many ideas flying around in my head about this one because I wasn't 100% sure what I was trying to say through out the piece. Lots of things were going on. I can see what you are saying. Thanks for being honest. I left the "idea'' totally opened. I mean it was never anything concrete and definite. It could've been a machine that killed everyone or maybe they did create something that helped everyone. Maybe it wasn't a machine, maybe it was just a big bang that ended everything. This idea could've been SEX and that would indefeasibly concept that would change the world for better or worse. Uh, so I just left it completely open in that. Light, thanks man. You never let me down. The relationship was really out of nowhere yet somehow infinite and strong as you said. Thanks again for the comments man, always like hearing what you have to say. MITAS! Thanks :P I appreciate it. It's definitely not the best but I'm thankful for the comments everyone. |
![]() | |
![]() |
|
| 0 users reading this topic | |
![]() Join the millions that use us for their forum communities. Create your own forum today. Learn More · Register for Free |
|
| « Previous Topic · Writing and Videos · Next Topic » |
| Track Topic · E-mail Topic |
4:43 PM Jul 13
|
Theme Designed by McKee91
Powered by ZetaBoards Premium · Privacy Policy






















4:43 PM Jul 13