Hero of Ruin

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Hero of Ruin
Tweet Topic Started: Aug 28 2009, 08:46 PM (436 Views)
hwut	Aug 28 2009, 08:46 PM Post #1
Posts: 9 Group: New Member Member #4,408 Joined: August 23, 2009 Favourite Anime Dragon Ball Z What Browser do you use? FireFox	Hero of Ruin It has been 5 years since Trunks' victory over the diabolical Androids 17 and 18 as well as the bio-mechanical, body snatcher Cell. Much of the the planet has been reconstructed, but the deep emotional wounds of Dr.Gero's lethal brood will be everlasting. There has been a grand period of peace as the survivors were able to rebuild from the rubble and ruins, but there is a specter looming over the horizon--just out of sight--is Trunks prepared to be the lone hero of this planet? Chapter 1 - "GOHAN!", screeched Trunks as he awoke in a hot-sweat. The door slowly, steadily crept open, "Trunks?", Bulma asks concerned. "Oh hey, mom. I'm sorry if I woke you.", Trunks replied, "I guess it is just a bit of jet lag since I visited the past. They're all still dead." As he wipes the sweat from his brow, he calms a bit from his nightmare. "You shouldn't dwell on these things, Trunks.", she whispers, "I hate to see you like this.". Still trembling, "I know, it is just, there just wasn't enough time. If only we knew what we know now.", he states in disarray, "It is a useless plea, but I wish it so badly." Looking at the floor with glazed, sad eyes, Bulma replies, "I wish too, but just get some rest, dear.". He acknowledges this with a stern nod, and he slowly falls asleep only to revisit the recurring nightmares that have been haunting him in recent months. "Why didn't you help me?", says a grim, ghostly voice, "Together we could have taken them, why didn't you help me!?". His eyes widen, "You, you didn't want me to, and I couldn't do...", Trunks says before gasping for air. Suddenly, Android 17 is above Gohan, pressing firmly on his chest with his cold, mechanical leg. "Haha. This little game was fun for awhile, but I've grown quite tired of your face and your silly hair.", he cockily remarks. Trunks looks on in dismay at this devastating scene, and in an instant, he is transported under the overwhelming strength of the Android's boot. "You're helpless!", he says, pressing harder with every second. "Helpless, helpless, helpless...", the android bellows as Trunks writhes in pain. His vision fades to darkness with the ominous echoes of the android's remark ringing in his ear as he awakes to the rays of sunlight sneaking through his small, circular window. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG A sudden roar reminiscent of thunder erupts outside. "What?", Trunks asks, squinting and still weary as he becomes more aware. His facial expression becomes dramatically more serious as he quietly exhales, "That power...". He quickly runs past his startled mother to grabs his jacket. "Trunks, what is this that?", she asks in a concerned, motherly fashion. Trunks then runs out the door and takes flight. "I haven't felt this since Cell, it, it couldn't be.", he internalizes in transit to the source of this massive energy. The effects of this power is already evident as he sees fires within a vulnerable city and hears the screams of its inhabitants as well as strong winds eroding the landscape in real-time. As he prepares for his descent, he bears witness to an eerie, malicious red aura cloaking the features of the humanoid body emitting it. Trunks begins to tremble, but quickly regains his composure and powers up to Super Saiyan. As he lands, he hears a cocky, high-pitched laughter escaping the aura below him. "I know not of you, but I know of your coming.", the voice casually announces. "Wh-what?", Trunks says as he lands on the ground to see his would-be opponent. In this instance, Trunks catches his first glimpse of this new threat; the creature is just barely larger than himself, covered in black scales allowing a red, goo-like substance to be distinguishable in between the dark patches. Its head is covered with stout, black points and eyes are a without pigment, only black, sullen ovals. "I apologize for the theatrics, but I needed to smoke you out.", it calmly states, "As well as first impressions being everything.", almost giggling now. Trunks is astonished by this power and life form, he stands in awe for a moment. Who is this mysterious being? Is he a harbinger of destruction and chaos or warrior of peace? AUTHORS NOTES: This is my first attempt at a fanfic in general, so constructive criticism--especially bad--will be greatly appreciated. I wasn't quite sure how to format it, but I think this will serve its purpose well. Chapter 2 coming soon. Edited by hwut, Aug 29 2009, 02:01 AM.



BattleMetal	Aug 29 2009, 04:08 PM Post #2
Posts: 596 Group: Member Member #3,821 Joined: November 24, 2008	Good for a start. Good sentencing and paragraphs. Question. You say its been 5 years since Trunks defeated the Androids and Cell. So i was wondering how he could be feeling 'jet lag' as its been so long since he travelled back in time? Wee tip. Its better to give each character their own line when they speak instead of putting 2+ speakers into a single paragraph. It becomes clearer who is speaking as you do mention it but this little tweak will make it easier to read and more enjoyable. Was wondering as well how was Bulma instantly at Trunks side? Does she sleep in the same room (not in the same bed obviously)? If she doesnt, you could just quickly say that she enters Trunks room. For Trunks dream part you could put it into italics. Some authors do this to distinguish between reality and the dream world so the reader knows where they are in the story. You do say that he goes to sleep and when he wakes up but i was thinking it would separate the difference in where he is. Lets see where you take this. Im interested. I will comment every other chapter and keep you motivated.
	http://dbzf.co.uk/topic/8040430/1/ Link to my DBZ fan-fic tale: Saiyans, Frieza, the Ginyu Force and other alien races and beings all chucked into the soup-pot for all out action and glory! http://dbzf.co.uk/topic/8129945/1/#new Link to a DBZ inspired story/ battle scenario that i did when i was 16 http://dbzf.co.uk/topic/8071554/1/#new Link to the Marvel/DC tale of the super-powered hereos and villians of both verses. Biggest heavy-hitters square off in an almight-free-for-all brawl!


hwut	Aug 29 2009, 08:35 PM Post #3
Posts: 9 Group: New Member Member #4,408 Joined: August 23, 2009 Favourite Anime Dragon Ball Z What Browser do you use? FireFox	Thanks for the response, I'll be sure to keep the formatting suggestions in mind while writing the next chapter, I wasn't sure how to approach fanfic just because I'm used to how a book reads. I'll be sure to include more detail of his living quarters. I was imagining that Bulma fell asleep working on some gadget (more my thoughts in retrospect, I suppose) in the room immediately outside Trunks'. As for the jet lag thing, I was trying to get across that ever since he visited the past, his memories of the people alive in the other dimension keep him stuck with these recurring nightmares trying to rationalize how these people that are actually dead at this point in his own time line are alive somewhere else, although I should have included some more implicit language to make this clear. Will improve on the next chapter. Thanks, again. I'll probably spend more time on the next one and have it done in a week or sooner. =) Edited by hwut, Aug 29 2009, 08:39 PM.



BattleMetal	Aug 29 2009, 09:22 PM Post #4
Posts: 596 Group: Member Member #3,821 Joined: November 24, 2008	Cool man. I had an idea thats what you meant about the 'jet lag' but i wasnt sure. Makes sense since he cant/doesnt go back in time so he misses that side of things. You could go back and edit your first chapter BUT if you are happy with it then thats fine as well. Nothing wrong with what you have written. As a fan fic it has substance, you have ideas and are taking into consideration the characters own thoughts and feelings. Its tricky right? when you have to explain details, you can see things clearly in your head but you forget that the reader doesnt have a clue and needs your guidance to show them what you are seeing/ feeling. Sometimes i think i either give too much detail and slow the story down or i dont give enough and the reader can easily overlook things and get lost. Glad you have taken things on board. Keep going.
	http://dbzf.co.uk/topic/8040430/1/ Link to my DBZ fan-fic tale: Saiyans, Frieza, the Ginyu Force and other alien races and beings all chucked into the soup-pot for all out action and glory! http://dbzf.co.uk/topic/8129945/1/#new Link to a DBZ inspired story/ battle scenario that i did when i was 16 http://dbzf.co.uk/topic/8071554/1/#new Link to the Marvel/DC tale of the super-powered hereos and villians of both verses. Biggest heavy-hitters square off in an almight-free-for-all brawl!


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