Epsilonite's Journal

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Epsilonite's Journal; /.
Topic Started: Dec 14 2006, 05:48 AM (198 Views)
Epsilonite	Dec 14 2006, 05:48 AM Post #1
Title Pending Posts: 362 Group: Member Member #1,665 Joined: August 27, 2006	Hi. I'm Epsilonite, a DBZ fan, gamer, and a introvert. If you didn't know, I usually go by the handle xmrxsiegecopx in gaming. I'm a sixteen-year-old (for now) male who lives in Southern California (No need to give out specifics) who spends his time pondering why I even do odd stuff such as post journal entries in DBZ forums. I deeply hate talking aloud to people I don't know or don't like, but I really enjoy talking to people I'm close to (unless I'm in a bad mood or stressed). I spend a lot of time at home either doing homework, gaming, on the internet, reading, or watching T.V. (I don't have a social life or real-life friends if you're wondering). I'm also a hardcore StarCraft fan and have made some maps for the game such as Golden Knight RPG. That's enough about me; I'll begin with the journal: Entry I: A couple of things happened today I wanted to record -- winter break just started. I really didn't want school to end so soon, since I always feel so lonely at home, even though my Dad's around 60% of the time. I walked home instead of taking the bus today and ended up seeing someone I haven't seen in 5 months -- it was my crush. So many things went through my mind as I was walking behind her, I basically ended up in a hypomania state and could not even summon up the courage to talk to her. I never hated myself so much, and I can't stop thinking about her... Edited by Epsilonite, Jun 17 2009, 02:17 AM.



Epsilonite	Dec 16 2006, 02:41 AM Post #2
Title Pending Posts: 362 Group: Member Member #1,665 Joined: August 27, 2006	Entry 2: Mood: Sad, lonely, and mad at myself and life. I feel so alone in this world. I have no real life friends. I have no money (I hate it when people steal your cash), so there is basically no reason for me to go outside this winter break. I've nobody to talk to in person, and I spend 90% of my time alone (the other 10% with family members). I don't know where my life is heading. Apparently, I've been pondering a lot more than usual on my future; since I have no friends, I can't go to anybody for problems, and you know how hard it is to talk to parents. I also realize I'm still depressed and my anti-depressants haven't kicked in yet. Every so often, I imagine what my life would be like If I wasn't an introvert, how it would be like If I broke down my wall of anxiety and fear and became more socially accepted and less isolated from people. I would anticipate every factor that comes into play and predict what happened if I did this instead of that, etc, but it almost always ends in me feeling worse. I wish I had a true friend I could talk to... Meh. I know that I view my life as extremely negative and even hate myself, and I'm most certainly sure that someone who would look at my life now would say "OMG, how can you be depressed! You have so much free time and all.," but I can't change the way I feel that easily; who can? Also, I keep wondering why people think I'm gifted, especially my teachers? I'm NOT gifted; I'm just your average introverted adolescent that thinks more than the average teenager about things and cares so little about propaganda crap and stuff and wonders why I was even born in the first place, since I am unhappy 99.9% of the time and wastes his life on internet forums ranting n how life sucks and all. Please don't call me gifted, smart, or anything that indicates I'm above others, because I know that a lot of people are better than me; I'm just a worthless nobody that no single individual cares about or even knows...



Epsilonite	Dec 24 2006, 08:28 AM Post #3
Title Pending Posts: 362 Group: Member Member #1,665 Joined: August 27, 2006	Entry 3 Mood: Calm, bitter, and restless. Meh, I've finally woken out of the worst stages of my depression; my video game urges have returned and so have my interests in StarCraft and SSBM. I've been neglecting my homework again... there's so much to do in so little time. I've got about five essays to finish and over one hundred textbook assignments assigned over the winter break. Seriously, I need to get going and hot those books; I don't want to end up further behind than I'm already in. Arg... parents can be so freaking dumb sometimes! I'm halfway through my antidepressants and I can't get any medication refills because my parents did something extremely moronic: they canceled my psychiatric treatment, and therefore my continuous supply of Zoloft. Basically, what this means is once I run out of Zoloft, I'll be experiencing a phenomenon called SSRI Withdrawal Syndrome, a nasty side effect of suddenly going off my medication. I'm not sure how long this grace period will last, but meh. I've recently had a huge craving to work. So far, I've been thinking of ways to get a job without actually speaking (It sucks to have Social Anxiety and nobody to talk to at the same time...), but I've come up with nothing as usual. If, somehow, I do manage to get one, I'll finally have an excuse to go outside, seeing as I haven't gotten any allowance this month. Maplantis launches and SeN shortly thereafter shuts down due to the server messing up (Ah, the irony in that statement). Since the MMWiki isn't up-to-date as of yet and I tend to stay awake late at night, I'll be writing in some mapping articles for the time being. I've been thinking of continuing on mapping and continuing my RPG series, but I can't seem to open my Map Editor without experiencing extreme lag on this ancient laptop, so I've decided to put that off until I get a better computer. I don't think I'll be enjoying the holidays as much this time, since every time I take a look at my life, I get sad over what I don't have; friends, looks, money, decent stuff, and that significant other. I mean, I can't even make a decision without criticism popping into my mind or going outside with people without experiencing abnormal amounts of anxiety. Basically, I've never been to a store on my own to buy stuff because I cannot speak to people I do not know in person, so my parents pretty much buy everything for me, which sucks so much now that this issue has been brought up in my face and my desire for independence grows as the days pass by. How do people actually learn how to survive on their own if nobody is there to teach them!?



Epsilonite	Dec 25 2006, 12:36 PM Post #4
Title Pending Posts: 362 Group: Member Member #1,665 Joined: August 27, 2006	Entry 4 Mood: Meh... Well, I spent Christmas Eve and the first hour of Christmas with my Uncle and relatives, but I didn't feel comfortable because I'm not used to hearing all my relatives talk while I sit back behind a wall of anxiety. Luckily, my uncle let my use his laptop to relive some of my tension. Meh, I don't really feel jolly around Christmas or any other holiday for that matter because I really can't talk to anybody. All it is is opening gifts, eating, and entertainment and not much else. I did get to see people I haven't seen in over a year though.



Epsilonite	Dec 28 2006, 09:48 AM Post #5
Title Pending Posts: 362 Group: Member Member #1,665 Joined: August 27, 2006	Entry 5 Mood: Sad, irritated, bored, lonely. I took several personality tests recently and they came up with similar results; I'm an Idealistic INFP (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving), with my dominant trait being reserved (introverted feeling) and my inferior trait being organization (extraverted thinking). An INFP deals with things based on how they feel about them, is deeply afraid of conflict and criticism, loyal and considerate, laid-back and disorganized, a perfectionist that often gets lost in their thoughts and have high standards in just about everything. ----- It makes sense now; my personality is almost perfectly made for me to be antisocial and for it to be next to impossible to talk to people, let alone make friends with them. I honestly feel like I'm alone in this universe right now and want to escape reality really, really bad...



Epsilonite	Jan 1 2007, 12:08 PM Post #6
Title Pending Posts: 362 Group: Member Member #1,665 Joined: August 27, 2006	Entry 6 Mood: Tired. Well, I've had better New Year's Days back in the day, but I've decided to try to at least to gradually change some aspects of my life slowly so that 2007 won't become as bad as 2006 was. Here's my NYR list: ----- My Official New Year's Resolution List of 2007 --- ---Primary NYRs--- -Become more optimistic and assertive. -Make new friend(s). -Get a job. -Make up my sophomore credits so that I can return to my main high school. -Gradually become more independent. -Discover/create my purpose(s) in life. --- ---Secondary NYRs--- -Finish my RPG campaign (StarCraft UMS) that I started last December 2005. -Learn HTML and CSS (Maybe some PHP and Javascript afterwards ) -Get back in the habit of writing on a regular basis. -Read more books. -Lose weight and begin cardiovascular exercise routines on a regular basis. -Get a new computer. -Get my Driver's license. -Learn to touch-type. --- ---Tertiary and Unnecessary NYRs--- -Learn the basics of Japanese. -Improve my handwriting. -Get the Wii and SSB Brawl when it comes out. -Learn to calculate in Binary, Octal, and Hexadecimal number systems. -Perfect my whistling. ----- I'll see how many of these I can actually accomplish.



Epsilonite	Jun 17 2009, 02:05 AM Post #7
Title Pending Posts: 362 Group: Member Member #1,665 Joined: August 27, 2006	Entry 7 Mood: Indifferent. 29.5 months later, I post yet another entry (ended up trashing the New Year's Resolution thing as I did not do a single one, except for "-Get back in the habit of writing on a regular basis."). Timeline of What I Have Done These Many Months: -(1/2007 -- 3/2007) consumed by the MMORPG Silkroad Online my brother introduced me to. -(3/2007 -- present) Installed Ubuntu since 7.10, now using Ubuntu 9.04 along with a triple-boot of Windows Vista and Arch Linux. I was also pretty much going through a phase of during 90% of this period where I cut off all communications with all individuals I ever contacted through the internet (I seem to go through this periodically due to my nature, but I never thought it would last this long. The remaining 10% of the time was from another MMORPG my brother also introduced me to: Ragnarok Online.) I also spent a fraction of my time watching various video playthroughs of video games called "Let's Plays" which I believe originated from SomethingAwful. -(3/2008 -- 11/2008) I get actively interested in US Politics, as well as various social news sites (Digg, Reddit, and Slashdot mostly). At this point, I was in my lurking phase and was no longer logging into most of the services I use aside from email. I also dug up my interest in Linux, F.L.O.S.S. (Free/Libre/Open Source Software), and programming (something I've heavily procrastinated on; I plan on learning Python eventually as of now). -(11/2008 -- 2/2009) I get absorbed into Ragnarok Online (those that forget history are doomed to repeat it). -(2/2009- present) I re-enter my lurking phase after deciding never to play MMORPGs again. I also decided to experiment with non-Ubuntu linux distributions (mostly Arch Linux though). My plans for the future: -Learn a cross-platform programming language (Mostly looking at Python, but Java and C# are possible candidates; I abandoned Ruby a long time ago.) -Learn System Administration. Currently, I know how to use around 10-15 commands found throughout most Linux distributions and capable of a few other things. I have a lot to learn despite all my experience with Linux in general. -Donate to every "service" I have used. Honestly, there are a lot of services I want to donate to, but as I have no income right now this is impossible to complete (the list includes but is not limited to: Ubuntu community, Arch Linux community, FSF, Vega Strike developers, IWBTG developers, Iji developers, etc...). -Post the contents of this journal in my private blog. That's it for now. EDIT: I'm uncertain if this post actually still violates #4, but I removed what I believe to be a strong reference to my personal life. Edited by Epsilonite, Jun 17 2009, 10:10 AM.



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