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Divorces and vows
Topic Started: May 14 2018, 01:31 AM (247 Views)
+ Son-Goku
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孫悟空

People make vows when they get married (like a lot of marriages, not all), yet we still see so many divorces. Why is this? I realize you can't always predict what'll happen, but I feel a lot of marriages are ended over not the best reasons. Do vows really mean so little to some people? If you're not willing to keep your promise, then don't make it.
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Dingo
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I think the newer generations are more used to instant gratification/their own immediate needs. We often go through life setting goals for what you're suppose to do. So some people just jump into marriage without having the respect for what it means. I believe previous generations had a deeper respect for marriage.

Vows are a part of marrying someone so people just go through the motions to check off another life achievement.
On the bright side it's now socially acceptable for girls in abusive marriage to get out.
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TrunksinSwimmingTrunks
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Vows are based on religion and far less people now are devoted to religion than in the past.

I don't think people think "I want to make vows to this person", but "I want to get married to this person". What I mean is, it's not about the vows - it's about showing that your relationship has reached another level, showing commitment to each other in a customary way, financially tying yourself together and taking the step that traditionally precedes having children. The content of the vows often doesn't matter. It's like waving a flag - it's not about what the flag looks like, but what it represents.
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+ Steve
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Greetings. I will be your waifu this season.

Yeah I feel like people are both stupid and a lot more self centred, knowing they can get away with it.

Stupid because they jump in to marriage. I know so many people that got engaged at like 16...and then they split up and they were engaged to someone else a month or two later, I'm not even joking.
To a lot of people marriage has little meaning.

I don't think it necessarily had more meaning way back it's just that you were socially obligated to commit to it, especially if you were a woman.


People are in such a rush that they never bother to consider how much they love a person or if they even love them at all. It's supposed to be about devoting your life to someone not just "a bit of paper" as that dumbass saying goes.

In any case I don't feel sorry for these people, have fun wasting your money getting married to people you don't like all the time because you're an idiot...I like having money personally :rofl:
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Rockman
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What is a vow anyway? A commitment of by way of words to be honest and true? People lie and cheat all the time and nothing will stop or change that. Religion or otherwise.
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EMIYA
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"I am the bone of my sword."

Because the point of marriage has effectively changed since the past. You have to understand that marriage wasn't really about "relationships" as it was about status, roles and expectations. Society expected you to uphold a certain role of marriages and in some cases such as women, marriage was a necessity. This meant that while there were just as many if not more unhappy marriages in the past, less divorces were around because of that necessity. In other words, you didn't get married out of love, you got married because it put money on the table, it helped raise a family and further the lineage. If you were a women, you were the house wife, the child maker and there was both an expectation and need for marriage that could provide, no matter how unhappy it might have been.

However, times have changed and by virtue so has status, roles, expectations, etc. In a sense, more options have opened up, especially for women. Now, they don't need to stay in an unfaithful marriage because they, and men too really, can just as easily find the same expectations elsewhere.

Another thing to note is that, marriages simply get old and die out. The reason people commit adultery most of the time is because their marriage lacks the flair it once had. It frankly isn't desirable to put so much emphasis on a singular person, people are social animals by nature and we like to meet new people and make new relationships. If you're forced to stick in a single relationship and you do nothing to enhance that marriage regularly, it's going to get boring and tedious.

And if that young woman down the street is willing to offer you a good time that your wife has shown, you can bet someone's going to liven their day up.

Imagine if you were forced to watch your favorite television show for 40+ years non-stop. Like every single day when you got home, you had to watch that television show. For the first time, much like a marriage, you're happy and enjoying the series. It might be your first time seeing it, you get to enjoy all the aspects of the show and have a good time. The second time around, it's not as good but you can persevere. There's still some enjoyable parts to it that you're willing to sit through.

A third time...yeah...it's pretty boring.

40 years of this? You'd go freaking insane!

Good marriages last because they do not become stagnant. A good marriage will be lively and even ever changing. Couples will hold similar ideas together and use those ideas to further the marriage. If the idea of marriage is literally just to come home and talk to someone...you can do that with anyone. Liven up the marriage and make it exciting.

My own Aunt and Uncle go on several vacation trips, having visited several different countries in their life. They go across he country, visiting their families. I'd say at least once a season, they go on some kind of trip and at least once a year, they go on a huge,world-wide trip. They also make sure to have their own lives outside of the marriage.

If people can't find ways to keep their marriage lively and not stagnate, it's very little wonder that people can't keep vows, especially when those vows really don't mean much in the long run in this day and age. Expectations and social roles of marriage have simply changed.
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EMIYA
May 15 2018, 02:50 PM
Because the point of marriage has effectively changed since the past. You have to understand that marriage wasn't really about "relationships" as it was about status, roles and expectations. Society expected you to uphold a certain role of marriages and in some cases such as women, marriage was a necessity. This meant that while there were just as many if not more unhappy marriages in the past, less divorces were around because of that necessity. In other words, you didn't get married out of love, you got married because it put money on the table, it helped raise a family and further the lineage. If you were a women, you were the house wife, the child maker and there was both an expectation and need for marriage that could provide, no matter how unhappy it might have been.

However, times have changed and by virtue so has status, roles, expectations, etc. In a sense, more options have opened up, especially for women. Now, they don't need to stay in an unfaithful marriage because they, and men too really, can just as easily find the same expectations elsewhere.

Another thing to note is that, marriages simply get old and die out. The reason people commit adultery most of the time is because their marriage lacks the flair it once had. It frankly isn't desirable to put so much emphasis on a singular person, people are social animals by nature and we like to meet new people and make new relationships. If you're forced to stick in a single relationship and you do nothing to enhance that marriage regularly, it's going to get boring and tedious.

And if that young woman down the street is willing to offer you a good time that your wife has shown, you can bet someone's going to liven their day up.

Imagine if you were forced to watch your favorite television show for 40+ years non-stop. Like every single day when you got home, you had to watch that television show. For the first time, much like a marriage, you're happy and enjoying the series. It might be your first time seeing it, you get to enjoy all the aspects of the show and have a good time. The second time around, it's not as good but you can persevere. There's still some enjoyable parts to it that you're willing to sit through.

A third time...yeah...it's pretty boring.

40 years of this? You'd go freaking insane!

Good marriages last because they do not become stagnant. A good marriage will be lively and even ever changing. Couples will hold similar ideas together and use those ideas to further the marriage. If the idea of marriage is literally just to come home and talk to someone...you can do that with anyone. Liven up the marriage and make it exciting.

My own Aunt and Uncle go on several vacation trips, having visited several different countries in their life. They go across he country, visiting their families. I'd say at least once a season, they go on some kind of trip and at least once a year, they go on a huge,world-wide trip. They also make sure to have their own lives outside of the marriage.

If people can't find ways to keep their marriage lively and not stagnate, it's very little wonder that people can't keep vows, especially when those vows really don't mean much in the long run in this day and age. Expectations and social roles of marriage have simply changed.
Just to clarify, does this mean you defend infidelity?
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Wolf
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Marriage is the #1 cause of divorce


My theory is that people get married either too early or too soon. Then a couple years pass and they realize they made a mistake.
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May 15 2018, 04:05 PM
EMIYA
May 15 2018, 02:50 PM
Because the point of marriage has effectively changed since the past. You have to understand that marriage wasn't really about "relationships" as it was about status, roles and expectations. Society expected you to uphold a certain role of marriages and in some cases such as women, marriage was a necessity. This meant that while there were just as many if not more unhappy marriages in the past, less divorces were around because of that necessity. In other words, you didn't get married out of love, you got married because it put money on the table, it helped raise a family and further the lineage. If you were a women, you were the house wife, the child maker and there was both an expectation and need for marriage that could provide, no matter how unhappy it might have been.

However, times have changed and by virtue so has status, roles, expectations, etc. In a sense, more options have opened up, especially for women. Now, they don't need to stay in an unfaithful marriage because they, and men too really, can just as easily find the same expectations elsewhere.

Another thing to note is that, marriages simply get old and die out. The reason people commit adultery most of the time is because their marriage lacks the flair it once had. It frankly isn't desirable to put so much emphasis on a singular person, people are social animals by nature and we like to meet new people and make new relationships. If you're forced to stick in a single relationship and you do nothing to enhance that marriage regularly, it's going to get boring and tedious.

And if that young woman down the street is willing to offer you a good time that your wife has shown, you can bet someone's going to liven their day up.

Imagine if you were forced to watch your favorite television show for 40+ years non-stop. Like every single day when you got home, you had to watch that television show. For the first time, much like a marriage, you're happy and enjoying the series. It might be your first time seeing it, you get to enjoy all the aspects of the show and have a good time. The second time around, it's not as good but you can persevere. There's still some enjoyable parts to it that you're willing to sit through.

A third time...yeah...it's pretty boring.

40 years of this? You'd go freaking insane!

Good marriages last because they do not become stagnant. A good marriage will be lively and even ever changing. Couples will hold similar ideas together and use those ideas to further the marriage. If the idea of marriage is literally just to come home and talk to someone...you can do that with anyone. Liven up the marriage and make it exciting.

My own Aunt and Uncle go on several vacation trips, having visited several different countries in their life. They go across he country, visiting their families. I'd say at least once a season, they go on some kind of trip and at least once a year, they go on a huge,world-wide trip. They also make sure to have their own lives outside of the marriage.

If people can't find ways to keep their marriage lively and not stagnate, it's very little wonder that people can't keep vows, especially when those vows really don't mean much in the long run in this day and age. Expectations and social roles of marriage have simply changed.
Just to clarify, does this mean you defend infidelity?
No he's just pointing out a very common reason why infidelity happens, it's a flaw in relationships that just about everyone commits (lack of communication and ability to liven things up). Hence why he used his aunt's relationship as an example of a good relationship that avoids infidelity because they actively try to not let things get stale.
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A good marriage involves respect, loyalty, trust, and love. Just like any relationship in life. Without those key things, you might as well not even try.
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It's sad that people waste all thus money on marriage for it to fail.
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EMIYA
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"I am the bone of my sword."

People seem to forget that the entire point of a marriage is a sense of reward, not for carnal or romantic pleasure but to provide a fundamental support for yourself. Marriage was intended to provide social support, economic support, etc. Marriage provided an expectation of status that you simply could not live without, especially considering your potential gender. There was no way a woman living in the 1600s or something would have ever been able to make it on her own, the ostracisation was too great.

But since the times have changed, people have fundamentally forgotten what marriage was intended to be. Marriage is not about love, romance, friendship, all of that. If you can have that in your marriage, good on you but that's not the purpose. You can get all of that by dating people, having casual sex, chatting on Skype, etc. I can do any of this without actually getting legally married.

However, marriage provides you with legal benefits that you couldn't receive alone. This again is why people remained together in the past despite unhappy relationships. The benefits given were desired too much. It's the same way you'll work at a crappy job because unless you can find better support, that crappy job is the only thing providing you with the necessary support to live.

So what do you have in the end? You have our contemporary times where it's easier to gain these necessities. Women for example don't have that same level of stigma anymore. If a marriage isn't providing the fundamental benefits, or can be obtained outside the marriage and the need of romance and carnal desires can just as easily found outside of marriage. Than it kind of makes marriage today a pointless aspect.

People are no longer hindered by past social expectations and they're willing to take extra steps away from unfaithful marriages when in the past, they might have had to suck it up and move on.
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+ Steve
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Greetings. I will be your waifu this season.

I don't think there's a flaw in relationships, there's a flaw in why people get in to them and who with.

I've known my girlfriend for like over 10 years now, we've been together as a couple for about 4 and a half of that, despite both having never had much in the way of serious relationships before hand.

We're not perfect but we work because we support each other and fill in each others gaps, as well as share similar interests.
There's a decently strong foundation there, I'd think. There'd be much less chance of this sort of bond if I just met her in a club, decided she's hot and we sexed a few times and decided f*** it, relationship.

People are in way too much of a rush and then when they finally join together they don't commit to staying together, once the vase starts cracking they let it or take a hammer to it.
Communication, lack thereof is easily the biggest problem people have in relationships.
We always talk about what we could be doing better, what we do that annoys each other, what we want to do to improve.

The optimal choice for most couples seems to be...argue more and solve nothing, either one person gives in or both people give up and nothing is fixed, just broken or ignored.


I don't know if people are just lazy and non-committal or if maybe they're so afraid of the idea of admitting that they're not happy that they just let it reach a boiling point and the relationship f***s up.
There's nothing fundamentally bad about being with one person, only with being set in your ways and getting bored that things changed even though it's inevitable that both of you will.
Adapt and find fun, a new person is rarely genuinely more interesting, it's just something different.
There's a whole world of different things to do with the person you love. I think it's sad that people give up and think the person they're with is the problem.

Though yeah, sometimes it is because peoples partner choice is stupid and not well thought out.
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I find that in older generations, marriage was not only about love but about social and/or financial survival. On top of that, certain influences such as religion were very strong on a large scale. The influence of religion made it very difficult for someone to make the decision to end their marriage. I couldn't tell you how many older people (50+) that I've talked to that were not happy with their marriages but felt socially and/or religiously compelled to remain in the union.
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